I just thought I should use a tantalising title... wink ;-) no not really.
Okay I mentioned in one of my past posts (here) that I was going to talk more about abstaining. At the beginning of our relationship, Mr had told me that he would respect my decision to wait until we were married before having sex. I was really pleased that he was supportive and willing to help me. We both had a duty to help the other person to stay pure. At the time, both of us hadn't had very long abstinence relationships, so we didn't know what lay in store for us. We just started and let things take their course. As time went on though, we realised we had to come up with ideas on how we would not to get tempted to take things too far. As you know, it is one heck of a slippery road to keep your body under control when you are in a loving relationship.
I remember attending a few singles' seminars. No matter what topics are discussed, whenever there is a question and answer session, the question of "how far should you go before marriage?" always comes up. And whenever the topic of physical stuff in relationships comes up, there is usually a hot debate. Some people think everything you do is fine, as long as you don't have sex. Some people think even kissing is wrong. And then there are people like me who are in-between. So what's the verdict? Can we hug? Kiss? Make out? There are still no definitive answers. For me, I thought kissing was okay, but we just had to be very careful not to get carried away.
The first year of our relationship was great. I was learning and discovering so much that we didn't get too physical, nothing more than hugs and kisses. I was learning to trust Mr too, and I really respect him for not pushing me to go further than I wanted to. After we got engaged, it seemed things got much harder. We had been going out hugging and kissing for a year and naturally our bodies wanted more. At first we ignored it. But it became more and more obvious to us that we had to do something, otherwise we would slip. So we tried everything. We limited the number of time we saw each other each week. Nope, that didn't help. We decided not to visit each other at home. Well that didn't work too cos we could still hang out in his car or at the cinema. We stopped seeing other on weekends, and saw each other at weekdays. Still had issues with controlling our body's desires.
At the end of the day, we had to come to our own decision. So in a moment of "wisdom" we decided we would stop kissing. Maybe that would give us some relief. Well it did last us a couple of months. It was good to go back to basics again like before we started going out. And it was like rediscovering that we had things to do and stuff to talk about. Those months were great! Did it last long? Hmmm... a bit. We kissed twice in three months. But then held on for a few more months. Eventually we gave up and actually prayed to God to help us cos we couldn't resist the temptations on our own strength alone anymore. This is where some Bible passages came in handy: Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT. So now when my friends ask me now how we managed to stay three years without sex, I just say it was God that helped us.
Oh I must add that my mentors helped me a great deal too. Every once in a while, they would call me to ask how our relationship was progressing and then reiterate about the benefits of remaining pure before marriage. That often encouraged me. One of my uncles also had a girlfriend for 10 YEARS before they got married. When they told me they abstained for that long, my jaw dropped. And then I thought, if they can do it, then so can I. It still wasn't easy, but it made me feel more positive about achieving it.
Wednesday, February 28
Tuesday, February 20
Spreading the News
To say that the event that had just happened to me was a surprise would be an understatement. I was so unaware of what Mr had been planning. It was after the whole thing, that I started noticing clues. A week before, my cousin was asking me when I thought my boyfriend would propose and I told her, I didn't think he would propose till two years time! Meanwhile he had asked her to help him find a ring! LOL. I also remembered him checking my fingers and commenting that they were very slim. At the time he had been trying to judge my ring size but I hadn't suspected! And then I also remembered meeting his siter-in-law in church a week earleir and she had practically begged me to come for the party. And on the way to the party, my uncle was grumbling something like, "they should come to us, we shouldn't go to them..." I also remember him bugging me to give him my mum's number because he wanted to ask her something, and I had told him to tell me what he wanted to ask her but he wouldn't. Now it all added up. I'm glad I didn't guess though because I would have spoilt the surprise. I'm sure no lady wants to ruin the moment when her boyfriend asks her to marry him.
As soon as we left the party I called Mr. I teased him endlessly and asked him how he set the whole show up. He was blushing as he told me how he had planned it with his brothers and my family, how the party was a cover-up, how he had chosen the ring with my cousin, and persuaded my uncle to bring me. Awwwww..
The next day was a Sunday. As an usher, I smile when I welcome people, but it seemed everyone noticed that I was smiling even more that morning. My pastor came to ask me what was up and I showed him my finger. He was like, "Wow, so the man is serious? That's good...." I showed off my ring to my ushering team, and they were so excited too, as another member was getting married and we were planning a bridal shower for her that afternoon. After the service, I attended the shower and was imagining what mine would be like.... Later that afternoon, I called my mum and told her the news. She was pleased and she said it was time to tell my dad that I was in a serious relationship. I told her I would tell him when he came to England for my graduation in three months' time and she said that was fine.
For the next week or so I was floating on clouds. I remember getting to work on the Monday after, and my manager asked me if I'd had a good weekend. I smiled and showed him my ring. He jumped and shouted to everyone in my department, "Look everyone, Favoured Girl* got engaged over the weekend!" and they all crowded round my desk to congratulate me, offer to make my tea, ask questions about how it happened and such like. It was fun. I also told my sisters and two of my very good friends that I was engaged. At the time none of my other mates were engaged or married, so I was the first one to share such news. They were excited and happy for me, and I remember telling them to hurry up and join me soon.
But gist spreads fast o. Before I knew it, they told someone who told someone who told someone etc. I started getting different calls and emails from friends, well-wishers, haters and other random people. The funny thing was three of my male friends came out of the shadows saying they had crushes on me and were hoping something would still happen between us. I told them that it was too late. (More on this later). Some people were calling me to say congrats. Some people were calling just to hear gist and do "gbeborun". Some people called to say they heard from somebody else and they were offended that I didn't tell them myself. Some people called to tell me they heard I was married and I hadn't invited them to my wedding. Some people called my best friend to confirm fom him, then he called me to tell me that speculation was rife among some friends who didn't know me very well. People were spreading all kinds of rumours that I had gotten pregnant and was rushing into marriage to hide my shame. I heard another rumour that my parents could not afford to keep me in England anymore, so they were marrying me off to some rich old man who wanted a young wife as soon as possible. I was 20 when I got engaged, and I know that's young, but people can be so hateful. Why would such a thing enter somebody's mind if not for envy? At least find out the truth first, before spreading spiteful rumours.
Well I wasn't going to let rumours dampen my joy, so I chose to ignore them. I really enjoyed being engaged. It was fun telling and re-telling the story whenever people asked. It was great fun planning and anticipating the next steps that we were going to take. I still called Mr my boyfriend though cos I never really got used to introducing him as my 'fiance'.
As soon as we left the party I called Mr. I teased him endlessly and asked him how he set the whole show up. He was blushing as he told me how he had planned it with his brothers and my family, how the party was a cover-up, how he had chosen the ring with my cousin, and persuaded my uncle to bring me. Awwwww..
The next day was a Sunday. As an usher, I smile when I welcome people, but it seemed everyone noticed that I was smiling even more that morning. My pastor came to ask me what was up and I showed him my finger. He was like, "Wow, so the man is serious? That's good...." I showed off my ring to my ushering team, and they were so excited too, as another member was getting married and we were planning a bridal shower for her that afternoon. After the service, I attended the shower and was imagining what mine would be like.... Later that afternoon, I called my mum and told her the news. She was pleased and she said it was time to tell my dad that I was in a serious relationship. I told her I would tell him when he came to England for my graduation in three months' time and she said that was fine.
For the next week or so I was floating on clouds. I remember getting to work on the Monday after, and my manager asked me if I'd had a good weekend. I smiled and showed him my ring. He jumped and shouted to everyone in my department, "Look everyone, Favoured Girl* got engaged over the weekend!" and they all crowded round my desk to congratulate me, offer to make my tea, ask questions about how it happened and such like. It was fun. I also told my sisters and two of my very good friends that I was engaged. At the time none of my other mates were engaged or married, so I was the first one to share such news. They were excited and happy for me, and I remember telling them to hurry up and join me soon.
But gist spreads fast o. Before I knew it, they told someone who told someone who told someone etc. I started getting different calls and emails from friends, well-wishers, haters and other random people. The funny thing was three of my male friends came out of the shadows saying they had crushes on me and were hoping something would still happen between us. I told them that it was too late. (More on this later). Some people were calling me to say congrats. Some people were calling just to hear gist and do "gbeborun". Some people called to say they heard from somebody else and they were offended that I didn't tell them myself. Some people called to tell me they heard I was married and I hadn't invited them to my wedding. Some people called my best friend to confirm fom him, then he called me to tell me that speculation was rife among some friends who didn't know me very well. People were spreading all kinds of rumours that I had gotten pregnant and was rushing into marriage to hide my shame. I heard another rumour that my parents could not afford to keep me in England anymore, so they were marrying me off to some rich old man who wanted a young wife as soon as possible. I was 20 when I got engaged, and I know that's young, but people can be so hateful. Why would such a thing enter somebody's mind if not for envy? At least find out the truth first, before spreading spiteful rumours.
Well I wasn't going to let rumours dampen my joy, so I chose to ignore them. I really enjoyed being engaged. It was fun telling and re-telling the story whenever people asked. It was great fun planning and anticipating the next steps that we were going to take. I still called Mr my boyfriend though cos I never really got used to introducing him as my 'fiance'.
Wednesday, February 14
One Year and a Surprise
It's Valentine's Day today! I thought it would be perfect to write a happy, oh-so-romantic post today. So here goes.
Before we knew it, time flew by and Mr and I had been going out for a year. I remember looking back at the year that had gone by, how much I had grown, how many things I had learnt and being so happy that I was a better person that I had been the previous years. We talked on the phone the day before. I suggested we should celebrate our anniversary by going back to the cinema where he had asked me out a year ago, and actually watching a movie this time. It sounded like fun. After the movie we hung out in the car (like in the beginning), swapped anniversary presents, and talked about the past year. I teased him about when he was asking me out then, hoping and praying that I would say yes. He teased me back saying I was already "jelling" for him so I couldn't resist. Had a right laugh about it all. I couldn't stay there till 3.00am though. I had to wake up early the next morning cos I was ushering at a wedding.
Besides we were meeting up in the evening anyways. The event was a party at his older brother's house. He had told me a week before that his brother was having a small get-together and I was invited. Initially I told him I wasn't sure I was going to make it because I had to attend and help at the wedding and my family was going to be there. He came back to me and said that my family had been invited to the party too and they had agreed to come, so we could all come to his brother's place after the wedding. That was cool by me, so I agreed to attend.
The next day I had a busy but nice time at the wedding. I like hearing the couple making vows and dancing and the whole point of getting married. Throughout the day lots of people were teasing me saying, "you are next!" and I was thinking "you people need to slow down". At the reception, I remember watching the happy couple having their first dance and thinking, love is sweet o! Little did I know.
Eventually I rounded up my family and we left the wedding to go to my future in-laws house. When we got there, I met Mr there already, his brothers and their wives were there getting things ready. I offered to help in the kitchen but they said I shouldn't worry, I should just go and chill with the kids in the living room. While I was playing with the kids, Mr's second brother got up to give a speech. I think it went like this. "Thank you all for coming, and many thanks to the family for bringing Favoured Girl* here. Let me not take too much of your time. I'll just step aside and allow the person that called us here to do what he wants to do". I looked up in confusion, wondering what was going on. Then I saw Mr who was sitting beside me, fiddling in his pocket. He brought out a ring, knelt down in front of me and said "Babe, you have been the best girlfriend I've ever had. The past one year has been wonderful (I was in a complete shock, it wasn't really sinking in, I managed to hear a few words) ...... official..... like to ask you .... ..... Will you marry me?" He must have waited for ages before I recovered and finally said "Yes!" and then he hugged me and put the ring on my finger. Then everyone came round to hug us and congratulate us. The rest of the party passed like a blur cos I was floating on some clouds all the way home.
Before we knew it, time flew by and Mr and I had been going out for a year. I remember looking back at the year that had gone by, how much I had grown, how many things I had learnt and being so happy that I was a better person that I had been the previous years. We talked on the phone the day before. I suggested we should celebrate our anniversary by going back to the cinema where he had asked me out a year ago, and actually watching a movie this time. It sounded like fun. After the movie we hung out in the car (like in the beginning), swapped anniversary presents, and talked about the past year. I teased him about when he was asking me out then, hoping and praying that I would say yes. He teased me back saying I was already "jelling" for him so I couldn't resist. Had a right laugh about it all. I couldn't stay there till 3.00am though. I had to wake up early the next morning cos I was ushering at a wedding.
Besides we were meeting up in the evening anyways. The event was a party at his older brother's house. He had told me a week before that his brother was having a small get-together and I was invited. Initially I told him I wasn't sure I was going to make it because I had to attend and help at the wedding and my family was going to be there. He came back to me and said that my family had been invited to the party too and they had agreed to come, so we could all come to his brother's place after the wedding. That was cool by me, so I agreed to attend.
The next day I had a busy but nice time at the wedding. I like hearing the couple making vows and dancing and the whole point of getting married. Throughout the day lots of people were teasing me saying, "you are next!" and I was thinking "you people need to slow down". At the reception, I remember watching the happy couple having their first dance and thinking, love is sweet o! Little did I know.
Eventually I rounded up my family and we left the wedding to go to my future in-laws house. When we got there, I met Mr there already, his brothers and their wives were there getting things ready. I offered to help in the kitchen but they said I shouldn't worry, I should just go and chill with the kids in the living room. While I was playing with the kids, Mr's second brother got up to give a speech. I think it went like this. "Thank you all for coming, and many thanks to the family for bringing Favoured Girl* here. Let me not take too much of your time. I'll just step aside and allow the person that called us here to do what he wants to do". I looked up in confusion, wondering what was going on. Then I saw Mr who was sitting beside me, fiddling in his pocket. He brought out a ring, knelt down in front of me and said "Babe, you have been the best girlfriend I've ever had. The past one year has been wonderful (I was in a complete shock, it wasn't really sinking in, I managed to hear a few words) ...... official..... like to ask you .... ..... Will you marry me?" He must have waited for ages before I recovered and finally said "Yes!" and then he hugged me and put the ring on my finger. Then everyone came round to hug us and congratulate us. The rest of the party passed like a blur cos I was floating on some clouds all the way home.
Friday, January 26
Talking about Trust
Picture this scenario:
I'm chatting with three of my girlfriends. We are in the library in uni, but we got bored with studying, and started gisting instead. We are talking about girl stuff: clothes, make-up, shoes and.... relationships. Then one of my friends turns to me and the conversation goes like this:
Friend 1: Favoured Girl*, what kind of contraception do you use?
Me: I don't use any
Friend 2: Why not? You have to, or you would get pregnant!
Me: Don't worry I'm not going to get pregnant
Friend 1: You can't be so sure
Me: I'm sure
Friend 2: How?
Me: I'm not having sex
Friend 1: Really? But you have a boyfriend!!
Me: Yes, but we are not sleeping together yet
Friend 1: For real? How come? Doesn't he bug you?
Me: We agreed not to sleep together. And no he doesn't bug me for sex
Friend 2: How long have you been together?
Me: About 8 months
Friend 1: So you've been with him for 8 months, you haven't slept with him and he is not bugging you?
Me: That is correct
Friend 1: Aaaah, he must be getting it from elsewhere
Me: No I don't think so
Friends: What? How do you know he's not getting sex from other girls outside?
Me: Because I trust him
Friends: You trust him?!
Me: Yes, is that so strange?
Friends: Of course! You should never trust any guy
Me: I see... so you don't trust your boyfriend?
Friend 1: Not completely
Me: Aaaah
Which leads me to this touchy subject. How much should I trust someone I'm in a relationship with? Should I trust him completely? How do I know he will never hurt me? Well relationships are complicated sometimes. But I think we should believe the best of everybody that comes across our way, until they prove that they can't be trusted. It's easier said than done. We will meet people that will disappoint us, and we may feel like we need to protect ourselves from being hurt again. I think, forgiveness releases us from pain and allows us to trust again.
For me, I have been disappointed by my friends in the past. I've felt like I trusted some friends and they betrayed my trust. And I could not believe that my last boyfriend just left me without any explanations, talk about a betrayal! Still, I had to learn to trust again. Meeting a new guy, I was still a bit wary though. I thought to myslef, I don't know this guy from anywhere, what guarantee do I have that he will not let me down? But my confidence grew when I realised that I could trust God completely. See, the trust that I have is not that Mr and I are so strong that we cannot fall into temptation. It is not because I think we are above sin. It is however based on the fact that we both know that God brought us together. If God was to choose a husband for me, then I can be rest assured that God will never give me a man that will hurt me. I can trust God that if I play my part in being the wife that He wants me to be, then He will play His part in upholding my relationship. If Mr can trust God that I am the woman God gave him, then he can be safe in the knowledge that God will uphold me, and help me when I am prone to failing. He is the source of our strength. What a relief.
No relationship can be complete without trust on both sides, from both parties. No matter how much you love each other, it just won't work. When there is no trust, the devil will enjoy planting lots of doubts in your mind. You might start recollecting little things that seem to add up to a reason for doubting the other person. You always believe that he could be hiding things from you. You'll find it hard to forgive them because you won't trust them when they say "I'm sorry".You would drive yourself crazy with worries and doubts.
Trust is so essential. A guy needs to fully trust a lady before he proposes to her. A lady needs to trust that the guy who is asking her out has good motives and will not turn around and hurt her. You have to trust your boyfriend when he says he couldn't call you at 6 o'clock last night because he had to work late. You have to trust that he will not cheat on you behind your back. And most importantly, when there is a misunderstanding and you are upset, you have to trust that the other party didn't mean to hurt you, it just happened because of a breakdown in communication somewhere (That last one, I still find hard to deal with). It's not easy, but there is no other way to live at peace in a relationship. God help us.
I'm chatting with three of my girlfriends. We are in the library in uni, but we got bored with studying, and started gisting instead. We are talking about girl stuff: clothes, make-up, shoes and.... relationships. Then one of my friends turns to me and the conversation goes like this:
Friend 1: Favoured Girl*, what kind of contraception do you use?
Me: I don't use any
Friend 2: Why not? You have to, or you would get pregnant!
Me: Don't worry I'm not going to get pregnant
Friend 1: You can't be so sure
Me: I'm sure
Friend 2: How?
Me: I'm not having sex
Friend 1: Really? But you have a boyfriend!!
Me: Yes, but we are not sleeping together yet
Friend 1: For real? How come? Doesn't he bug you?
Me: We agreed not to sleep together. And no he doesn't bug me for sex
Friend 2: How long have you been together?
Me: About 8 months
Friend 1: So you've been with him for 8 months, you haven't slept with him and he is not bugging you?
Me: That is correct
Friend 1: Aaaah, he must be getting it from elsewhere
Me: No I don't think so
Friends: What? How do you know he's not getting sex from other girls outside?
Me: Because I trust him
Friends: You trust him?!
Me: Yes, is that so strange?
Friends: Of course! You should never trust any guy
Me: I see... so you don't trust your boyfriend?
Friend 1: Not completely
Me: Aaaah
Which leads me to this touchy subject. How much should I trust someone I'm in a relationship with? Should I trust him completely? How do I know he will never hurt me? Well relationships are complicated sometimes. But I think we should believe the best of everybody that comes across our way, until they prove that they can't be trusted. It's easier said than done. We will meet people that will disappoint us, and we may feel like we need to protect ourselves from being hurt again. I think, forgiveness releases us from pain and allows us to trust again.
For me, I have been disappointed by my friends in the past. I've felt like I trusted some friends and they betrayed my trust. And I could not believe that my last boyfriend just left me without any explanations, talk about a betrayal! Still, I had to learn to trust again. Meeting a new guy, I was still a bit wary though. I thought to myslef, I don't know this guy from anywhere, what guarantee do I have that he will not let me down? But my confidence grew when I realised that I could trust God completely. See, the trust that I have is not that Mr and I are so strong that we cannot fall into temptation. It is not because I think we are above sin. It is however based on the fact that we both know that God brought us together. If God was to choose a husband for me, then I can be rest assured that God will never give me a man that will hurt me. I can trust God that if I play my part in being the wife that He wants me to be, then He will play His part in upholding my relationship. If Mr can trust God that I am the woman God gave him, then he can be safe in the knowledge that God will uphold me, and help me when I am prone to failing. He is the source of our strength. What a relief.
No relationship can be complete without trust on both sides, from both parties. No matter how much you love each other, it just won't work. When there is no trust, the devil will enjoy planting lots of doubts in your mind. You might start recollecting little things that seem to add up to a reason for doubting the other person. You always believe that he could be hiding things from you. You'll find it hard to forgive them because you won't trust them when they say "I'm sorry".You would drive yourself crazy with worries and doubts.
Trust is so essential. A guy needs to fully trust a lady before he proposes to her. A lady needs to trust that the guy who is asking her out has good motives and will not turn around and hurt her. You have to trust your boyfriend when he says he couldn't call you at 6 o'clock last night because he had to work late. You have to trust that he will not cheat on you behind your back. And most importantly, when there is a misunderstanding and you are upset, you have to trust that the other party didn't mean to hurt you, it just happened because of a breakdown in communication somewhere (That last one, I still find hard to deal with). It's not easy, but there is no other way to live at peace in a relationship. God help us.
Sunday, January 21
Some Firsts
At the moment, I'm just looking back to a lot of our "firsts". You know, like our first date, our first kiss, the first time I went to his house, the first time we both said "I love you", our first christmas together, the first time I cooked for him, and the first time he cooked for me, etc. I might talk about them in detail later, but for now, two things stick out in my mind. One is the first time we talked about setting a date for our wedding. The whole thing was a bit of a joke. It went something like this:
We had been going out for three months. One evening, I was at home reading a magazine. The TV was on, but I wasn't really paying attention to it. They were interviewing some married couples. I started paying attention when I heard some people talking about their life after marriage. One lady mentioned that she chose to get married on her husband's birthday so that he would always remember their wedding anniversary. I thought that was funny. Mr called me some time later. As we were gisting, I mentioned what I had heard on the programme. He thought it was funny too. Then he asked if it would apply to us. Perhaps we could get married on one of our birthdays? So, for a bit of fun, we checked my birthday to see if it fell on a Saturday in any of the coming years. Nope, it didn't fall on a saturday at a reasonable time. Then we checked his. His 25th birthday fell on a Saturday in 2005, three years time! We jokingly said that would be our wedding day. We prayed about it. And forgot about it for a long time. Did it happen? Time will tell.
The second thing was the first time a pastor in my church asked me about a boyfriend. It was June 2003, and I had just finished my final year exams at uni. Pastor saw me after church and was congratulating me. This time, Mr and I had been going out for nine months. The conversation went something like this:
Pastor: Congrats Favoured Girl*, I heard you've finished your degree at uni
Me: Yes sir, thank you sir
Pastor: So what's next?
Me: I'm job-hunting now sir
Pastor: That's good. How's it going?
Me: Very well sir. I've got some interviews lined up.
Pastor: Don't worry, you'll get a good job soon.
Me: Amen. Thank you sir.
Pastor: (His voice drops to a whisper) Brother nko?
Me: He's fine sir.
Pastor: (excited) Eh!! So there is a brother in the picture! Come and tell me all about him.
Me: Erm...
Pastor: What church does he attend?
Me: He goes to this church, but a different branch.
Pastor: Really? What's his name? I might know him
Me: His name is ........
Pastor: (really excited) So I even know him! His brother is one of the pastors of another branch
Me: Yes I know that sir.
Pastor: How did you meet him?
Me: Through a friend in uni, then in church.... etc
Pastor: How serious is this relationship?
Me: We are quite serious sir.
Pastor: Tell him to call me this evening! I'm going to grill him seriously.
Me: Ah!
Pastor: I have to. He cannot just come and take you away just like that
Me: (laughing) Okay sir. I'll tell him to call you.
That was really funny. I thought it was nice of him to ask though. Later that afternoon, I relayed the conversation to Mr and we pondered on how the older people in our church always wanted to know what was going on in our lives. I guess they just wanted to look after the next generation. A lot of things I know now, I learnt from my older mentors. I'm really grateful for them.
We had been going out for three months. One evening, I was at home reading a magazine. The TV was on, but I wasn't really paying attention to it. They were interviewing some married couples. I started paying attention when I heard some people talking about their life after marriage. One lady mentioned that she chose to get married on her husband's birthday so that he would always remember their wedding anniversary. I thought that was funny. Mr called me some time later. As we were gisting, I mentioned what I had heard on the programme. He thought it was funny too. Then he asked if it would apply to us. Perhaps we could get married on one of our birthdays? So, for a bit of fun, we checked my birthday to see if it fell on a Saturday in any of the coming years. Nope, it didn't fall on a saturday at a reasonable time. Then we checked his. His 25th birthday fell on a Saturday in 2005, three years time! We jokingly said that would be our wedding day. We prayed about it. And forgot about it for a long time. Did it happen? Time will tell.
The second thing was the first time a pastor in my church asked me about a boyfriend. It was June 2003, and I had just finished my final year exams at uni. Pastor saw me after church and was congratulating me. This time, Mr and I had been going out for nine months. The conversation went something like this:
Pastor: Congrats Favoured Girl*, I heard you've finished your degree at uni
Me: Yes sir, thank you sir
Pastor: So what's next?
Me: I'm job-hunting now sir
Pastor: That's good. How's it going?
Me: Very well sir. I've got some interviews lined up.
Pastor: Don't worry, you'll get a good job soon.
Me: Amen. Thank you sir.
Pastor: (His voice drops to a whisper) Brother nko?
Me: He's fine sir.
Pastor: (excited) Eh!! So there is a brother in the picture! Come and tell me all about him.
Me: Erm...
Pastor: What church does he attend?
Me: He goes to this church, but a different branch.
Pastor: Really? What's his name? I might know him
Me: His name is ........
Pastor: (really excited) So I even know him! His brother is one of the pastors of another branch
Me: Yes I know that sir.
Pastor: How did you meet him?
Me: Through a friend in uni, then in church.... etc
Pastor: How serious is this relationship?
Me: We are quite serious sir.
Pastor: Tell him to call me this evening! I'm going to grill him seriously.
Me: Ah!
Pastor: I have to. He cannot just come and take you away just like that
Me: (laughing) Okay sir. I'll tell him to call you.
That was really funny. I thought it was nice of him to ask though. Later that afternoon, I relayed the conversation to Mr and we pondered on how the older people in our church always wanted to know what was going on in our lives. I guess they just wanted to look after the next generation. A lot of things I know now, I learnt from my older mentors. I'm really grateful for them.
Monday, January 15
Positive Changes (2)
To write this post, I had to reach into a deeper personal level. But I felt I should share it because it is part of who I am today, and forms a part of my journey.
When I was a teenager I had self-esteem problems. I had no self-confidence and a distorted self-image. I always felt that I was 'not good enough' and will never be, so I never bothered to try. I used to compare myself with my other mates and friends, and will always measure myself far below them. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough , friendly enough, or "cool" enough to fit in. So I usually felt like an outsider, even though I had very good friends who liked me just as I was. And I gave so much concern to what people thought about me. Usually I wouldn't believe the positive things people said about me, but I would focus on negative comments I got. This dragged in my mind all the 'growing-up' years and I thought there was no way out. Sometimes I would psyche myself up, but deep down I didn't even believe myself. Even when I had boyfriends nothing changed. Guys told me I was beautiful, sweet, special etc, but it didn't work. I actually used to wonder what they saw in me or why they liked me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't like myself no matter who liked me.
This cloud hung over my outlook in life though secondary school and college until I got to uni. I met new people and started coming out of my shell a bit more. Then I realised it just wasn't normal or natural to feel this way about myself. Other people around me had good self-esteem and confidence. I wanted to feel confident and comfortable with myself too. So I started looking for a way out. I tried changing my outward appearance by shopping endlessly for new clothes, shoes, make up, jewellery etc. But the external appearance still did nothing for my internal turmoil. I started hanging out with the 'cooler' people but I gave up because I still didn't find my identity in associations. I started going out with a guy that seemed to like me, but deep down I was still uneasy. When he disappeared, part of me wondered if he just got bored with me. So, no hope of gaining my peace of mind from there.
When I started to take my christian life seriously, I sometimes wondered if I would learn to live with my current state or if God could help me out. One day I popped into my church bookshop with nothing particularly in mind to buy. Then I saw this book: "Prayers That Avail Much for Students " and bought it on a whim. When I opened it, I found some very useful prayers in it, including one for self-esteem! I was so happy to realise that it wasn't just my struggle alone, and I could talk to God about it. I started praying those prayers in the book earnestly everyday. And I also asked God to send people my way that would encourage me, lift me up and help me on my journey.
God answered my prayers. The words in that book built my spirit up gradually. Slowly but surely, I started to realise that all the negative things I had believed about myself for so long were nothing but lies from the pit of hell! I started questioning the voices in my head. Whose opinion were those negative thoughts anyway? Not my heavenly Father's. I began to renew my mind with what God's word tells me about myself, my position in Christ, how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and how nothing can separate me from His love. It worked! My whole outlook changed. It was like I became a new person completely. I felt like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders, and I was now truly free to enjoy my life. Funny enough, I had heard these things before, but I was only just beginning to realise the truth in them, and apply them into my own life. My confidence and self-esteem doesn't come from anywhere else, but from knowing who I am and whose I am.
It was while I was on this journey that I met Mr. At first I wondered how such a wonderful person could like me. I even asked him once or twice, "why do you like me?". He said he saw so much potential within me that I was hiding, and he wanted to bring it out. And ever since, he has been encouraging me, and trying to bring the best out of me. I mentioned in a previous post that he makes me feel so good about myself. As I got to know him more, his own confidence soon started rubbing off on me. And the more I discovered myself and my potential, the more he encouraged me and loved me. Three months into our relationship, I had changed completely. I was such a different person that my friends and family noticed it. That's God's work for you.
When I was a teenager I had self-esteem problems. I had no self-confidence and a distorted self-image. I always felt that I was 'not good enough' and will never be, so I never bothered to try. I used to compare myself with my other mates and friends, and will always measure myself far below them. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough , friendly enough, or "cool" enough to fit in. So I usually felt like an outsider, even though I had very good friends who liked me just as I was. And I gave so much concern to what people thought about me. Usually I wouldn't believe the positive things people said about me, but I would focus on negative comments I got. This dragged in my mind all the 'growing-up' years and I thought there was no way out. Sometimes I would psyche myself up, but deep down I didn't even believe myself. Even when I had boyfriends nothing changed. Guys told me I was beautiful, sweet, special etc, but it didn't work. I actually used to wonder what they saw in me or why they liked me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't like myself no matter who liked me.
This cloud hung over my outlook in life though secondary school and college until I got to uni. I met new people and started coming out of my shell a bit more. Then I realised it just wasn't normal or natural to feel this way about myself. Other people around me had good self-esteem and confidence. I wanted to feel confident and comfortable with myself too. So I started looking for a way out. I tried changing my outward appearance by shopping endlessly for new clothes, shoes, make up, jewellery etc. But the external appearance still did nothing for my internal turmoil. I started hanging out with the 'cooler' people but I gave up because I still didn't find my identity in associations. I started going out with a guy that seemed to like me, but deep down I was still uneasy. When he disappeared, part of me wondered if he just got bored with me. So, no hope of gaining my peace of mind from there.
When I started to take my christian life seriously, I sometimes wondered if I would learn to live with my current state or if God could help me out. One day I popped into my church bookshop with nothing particularly in mind to buy. Then I saw this book: "Prayers That Avail Much for Students " and bought it on a whim. When I opened it, I found some very useful prayers in it, including one for self-esteem! I was so happy to realise that it wasn't just my struggle alone, and I could talk to God about it. I started praying those prayers in the book earnestly everyday. And I also asked God to send people my way that would encourage me, lift me up and help me on my journey.
God answered my prayers. The words in that book built my spirit up gradually. Slowly but surely, I started to realise that all the negative things I had believed about myself for so long were nothing but lies from the pit of hell! I started questioning the voices in my head. Whose opinion were those negative thoughts anyway? Not my heavenly Father's. I began to renew my mind with what God's word tells me about myself, my position in Christ, how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and how nothing can separate me from His love. It worked! My whole outlook changed. It was like I became a new person completely. I felt like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders, and I was now truly free to enjoy my life. Funny enough, I had heard these things before, but I was only just beginning to realise the truth in them, and apply them into my own life. My confidence and self-esteem doesn't come from anywhere else, but from knowing who I am and whose I am.
It was while I was on this journey that I met Mr. At first I wondered how such a wonderful person could like me. I even asked him once or twice, "why do you like me?". He said he saw so much potential within me that I was hiding, and he wanted to bring it out. And ever since, he has been encouraging me, and trying to bring the best out of me. I mentioned in a previous post that he makes me feel so good about myself. As I got to know him more, his own confidence soon started rubbing off on me. And the more I discovered myself and my potential, the more he encouraged me and loved me. Three months into our relationship, I had changed completely. I was such a different person that my friends and family noticed it. That's God's work for you.
Saturday, January 6
Positive Changes (1)
I mentioned in the "Getting what I want" post, about how Mr tries to bring out the best in me. I have to admit, this is not an easy process! Why? Because it sometimes involves him pointing out my faults. Funny enough it is always easier to see the faults in other people than in ourselves. When we started going out, I thought everything was fine and I was faultless. I would never see how I was wrong whenever we had an argument. But I now know that I have my faults as well. And it is the person closest to me that should point these faults out to me, and challenge me to work on them. This process is never ending though. The first time Mr pointed out one of my faults was a bit of a shock.
One day, during a conversation with Mr, he suddenly stopped and said I had just been trying to manipulate him. I was like "What? when? how?!" and demanded an immediate explanation. He said that I sometimes try to twist his arm to get what I want. By the time he finished pointing out what I had said and done on several occassions, it was clear to me that indeed I was twisting his arm. I was so surprised. I had never thought that I was capable of manipulating somebody. So I had been doing it unconsciously! I asked him how he knew. Apparently it's something that we ladies do a lot. He explained to me that he was used to getting those emotional blackmail stuff from his aunts and friends so he had learnt to recognise and ignore it. And he told me that if I wanted something, I should just come out and say it directly, instead of twisting it and then later blaming him for not getting the hint.
(((He mentioned one occassion, when I wanted to get my hair done but I was broke. Instead of asking him directly to help me out, I had been giving him some attitude throughout that day. When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine". Then I started sulking. Then I became angry. He had suspected that I wanted something from him, but since I was not being straightforward he wasn't going fall for my tricks. He would wait for me to come out and say it. Well, eventually I did and he helped me out))).
That was a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I did have some faults in me then. That hurt my pride a bit though. It can be really hard to take criticism from someone, even if they mean well or they are only trying to help.
I also realised that I didn't want a man that I could manipulate after all. I won't respect my man if I could control him under my thumb. I want a real man, someone who has a mind of his own. True, we may not always agree, but that means I usually get to see things from another perspective. So I told him to always point it out to me if I was beginning to manipulate him again. And since then I have been able to recognise it and stop myself.
One day, during a conversation with Mr, he suddenly stopped and said I had just been trying to manipulate him. I was like "What? when? how?!" and demanded an immediate explanation. He said that I sometimes try to twist his arm to get what I want. By the time he finished pointing out what I had said and done on several occassions, it was clear to me that indeed I was twisting his arm. I was so surprised. I had never thought that I was capable of manipulating somebody. So I had been doing it unconsciously! I asked him how he knew. Apparently it's something that we ladies do a lot. He explained to me that he was used to getting those emotional blackmail stuff from his aunts and friends so he had learnt to recognise and ignore it. And he told me that if I wanted something, I should just come out and say it directly, instead of twisting it and then later blaming him for not getting the hint.
(((He mentioned one occassion, when I wanted to get my hair done but I was broke. Instead of asking him directly to help me out, I had been giving him some attitude throughout that day. When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine". Then I started sulking. Then I became angry. He had suspected that I wanted something from him, but since I was not being straightforward he wasn't going fall for my tricks. He would wait for me to come out and say it. Well, eventually I did and he helped me out))).
That was a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I did have some faults in me then. That hurt my pride a bit though. It can be really hard to take criticism from someone, even if they mean well or they are only trying to help.
I also realised that I didn't want a man that I could manipulate after all. I won't respect my man if I could control him under my thumb. I want a real man, someone who has a mind of his own. True, we may not always agree, but that means I usually get to see things from another perspective. So I told him to always point it out to me if I was beginning to manipulate him again. And since then I have been able to recognise it and stop myself.
Sunday, December 31
Meeting Mums, Brotherly Advice
Before I got too deep with Mr, I called my mum and told her about him. She said she was going to pray about it. Soon she called me back and said she felt at peace, so she was really pleased. She also told me that she would like to meet him as soon as she could. Apparently, Mr had also told his mum about me, and she was quite keen to meet me as well. Three months later, both mums came to England separately. My mum came for a brief holiday, while his parents came to attend his graduation.
Just after mum arrived, I remember telling Mr that my mum was in the country and she would like to meet him. So we arranged a time. After work, he picked me up from uni and we drove home. My mum greeted him like she knew him before. She sat him down and asked him lots of questions with a serious face. She asked him whether he was a christian, about his family, what his intentions were, how long he had been eyeing me on campus.... etc etc until the poor guy was blushing seriously and I was laughing. Eventually she was satisfied with all his answers and she let him go. Later on I asked her what she thought of him and she said he was a nice guy. So that initial meeting went well :-)
A week later, it was my turn to endure the questions. I was to spend a whole day with Mr's family including his mum! That morning I was so nervous. I got to his brother's house and met his mum and she greeted me very warmly. She asked the basic questions, and she seemed satisfied too. We spent the rest of the day together and she was already refering to me as her daughter, which I thought was really cool. So that was the mums' side of the introductions. It wasn't until much later that we got the dads involved. I think mothers carry more weight anyway. They can then do the job of informing the dads. I didn't tell my dad about Mr until a year later.
I have this uncle that takes the well-being of everybody around him so seriously. Whatever myself, my sisters or my cousins get up to, he wants to know and he usually dishes out advice. Whether we want to listen to him is another matter entirely. When he heard that I had a new boyfriend, he called me and grilled me very well about him. The he found out that he knew my boyfriend's older brother! So he must have called him and told him something like this: "I hear your younger brother is seeing my niece o. Make sure he knows what he is doing. I want you to call both of them together and advise them very well. Otherwise....!" LOL. Anyway one day Mr told me that we should visit his brother after church on sunday. I was quite pleased to, as it would give me an opportunity to get to know the family a bit more, and meet their 5-year old daughter again(she was quickly becoming my best friend).
One lovely sunday afternoon, we paid older brother a visit. We had lunch with the family and it was very interesting. Their daughter insisted that she wanted to sit beside me at the table. She ate her veggies because I ate mine and I told her veggies made me grow. Her mum was so pleased, she said I should be visiting every sunday so the girl would be eating her veggies more often! After lunch we played together until the adults called me for a chat. The chat was lovely. They asked us what our relationship plans were. We told them that we had every intention of going to the altar in the future. They asked us when that would be. We said we hadn't decided yet. They asked us if we had told our parents. We said we hadn't told them the full gist yet. They told us that if we had any questions or problems, we were free to come and ask them. They had been married about seven years at the time so that was good. They also gave us some advice. Sound advice that still rings in my head today. Amongst many other things they said: "You both have to put each other first. For you, younger brother, she becomes the most important person to you. As unfair as it may sound, even your parents become less important than your wife when it comes down to it. And to you lady, he becomes the most important person to you. No other human being (even your future kids!) should be more important to you than your husband. And your partner's opinion matters more than anyone else's. If you know that, then you will accord each other with the right amount of love, trust and respect. And no external party can come in-between you". Great stuff. That touched home for me because it was exactly what we needed to hear. It helps to prevent a lot of issues with in-laws and extended family too.
Just after mum arrived, I remember telling Mr that my mum was in the country and she would like to meet him. So we arranged a time. After work, he picked me up from uni and we drove home. My mum greeted him like she knew him before. She sat him down and asked him lots of questions with a serious face. She asked him whether he was a christian, about his family, what his intentions were, how long he had been eyeing me on campus.... etc etc until the poor guy was blushing seriously and I was laughing. Eventually she was satisfied with all his answers and she let him go. Later on I asked her what she thought of him and she said he was a nice guy. So that initial meeting went well :-)
A week later, it was my turn to endure the questions. I was to spend a whole day with Mr's family including his mum! That morning I was so nervous. I got to his brother's house and met his mum and she greeted me very warmly. She asked the basic questions, and she seemed satisfied too. We spent the rest of the day together and she was already refering to me as her daughter, which I thought was really cool. So that was the mums' side of the introductions. It wasn't until much later that we got the dads involved. I think mothers carry more weight anyway. They can then do the job of informing the dads. I didn't tell my dad about Mr until a year later.
I have this uncle that takes the well-being of everybody around him so seriously. Whatever myself, my sisters or my cousins get up to, he wants to know and he usually dishes out advice. Whether we want to listen to him is another matter entirely. When he heard that I had a new boyfriend, he called me and grilled me very well about him. The he found out that he knew my boyfriend's older brother! So he must have called him and told him something like this: "I hear your younger brother is seeing my niece o. Make sure he knows what he is doing. I want you to call both of them together and advise them very well. Otherwise....!" LOL. Anyway one day Mr told me that we should visit his brother after church on sunday. I was quite pleased to, as it would give me an opportunity to get to know the family a bit more, and meet their 5-year old daughter again(she was quickly becoming my best friend).
One lovely sunday afternoon, we paid older brother a visit. We had lunch with the family and it was very interesting. Their daughter insisted that she wanted to sit beside me at the table. She ate her veggies because I ate mine and I told her veggies made me grow. Her mum was so pleased, she said I should be visiting every sunday so the girl would be eating her veggies more often! After lunch we played together until the adults called me for a chat. The chat was lovely. They asked us what our relationship plans were. We told them that we had every intention of going to the altar in the future. They asked us when that would be. We said we hadn't decided yet. They asked us if we had told our parents. We said we hadn't told them the full gist yet. They told us that if we had any questions or problems, we were free to come and ask them. They had been married about seven years at the time so that was good. They also gave us some advice. Sound advice that still rings in my head today. Amongst many other things they said: "You both have to put each other first. For you, younger brother, she becomes the most important person to you. As unfair as it may sound, even your parents become less important than your wife when it comes down to it. And to you lady, he becomes the most important person to you. No other human being (even your future kids!) should be more important to you than your husband. And your partner's opinion matters more than anyone else's. If you know that, then you will accord each other with the right amount of love, trust and respect. And no external party can come in-between you". Great stuff. That touched home for me because it was exactly what we needed to hear. It helps to prevent a lot of issues with in-laws and extended family too.
Monday, December 18
Getting What I Want
Sometimes my friends ask me what attracted me to hubby. Did I get everything I wanted in a man? Did he meet all my expectations of "husband material"? What's important and what's not? These questions are of course dependent on individual choices. But we should have a good idea of what we want.
One day my church organised a singles meeting which I attended. We were asked to do several exercises. One of them was to write out what attributes we desired in our future partner. We all wrote our answers on paper and gave them to the woman leading the meeting. She read some of them out. There was stuff like rich, handsome, charismatic, tall, cute etc. She almost laughed at all of us. She said that we had obvoiusly not given it much thought. Where were our priorities? We were thinking of the superficial stuff, not thinking about what really brings lasting joy, peace and satisfaction in a relationship. Whatever happened to characteristics like God-fearing, disciplined, focused, reliable, honest, hardworking, caring, responsible, kind, committed, gentle, self-controlled, mature, respectful etc....? She tore up our lists and asked us to write new ones, and this time we should think before we just wrote some random things that popped into our heads. The second time we submitted our lists, our priorites seemed to have changed. LOL.
That meeting got me thinking though. I realised that I had to define what was really important to me, and what I could compromise on. Each of us at that meeting had to. Truthfully, before I met Mr I just had a very hazy picture in my head of what I wanted in a man. I had decided I wanted my husband to be like my dad - someone kind, generous and funny. He would have to be as educated as I was, because I enjoy meaningful and stimulating conversations. I wanted a God-fearing man because I knew it would have to be a man willing to wait till we got married before I slept with him. I knew I wanted someone I could trust, someone that I could rely on, and someone who would be my best friend. These were things I knew I could not compromise on. Things like the car he drove, the brand of clothes and perfume he wore, the schools he went to or the amount of money he had, I could easily compromise on. As per physical attributes, I thought I wanted someone 'tall, dark and handsome'. LOL, I guess I read too many Mills and Boon novels when I was a teenager. I put these ideas into prayers. Actually I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. I thank God that He knew my needs and met them. I actually got a better deal than I had imagined in my mind. I am not saying hubby is perfect, none of us is. But he is God's perfect choice for me.
Now I didn't get everything on my wishlist. He is not 'tall, dark and handsome' the way I had imagined my husband would be. He is not yet as 'rich' as I would have wanted him to be. But my superficial judgement melted away as I got to know more of him. First, it was his confidence that attracted me. From the minute I met him, he exuded some natural aura about him that just draws people. Second, he made me feel good about myself. Third he was so easy to talk to. When we are talking, the conversation flows so easily even when we are not agreeing. Fourth, he didn't try to 'buy' or bribe me to like him by sending me loads of gifts, he just allowed me to get to know him for who he is. Fifth, he is a cheerful person, he knows how to cheer me up when issues are weighing on my mind. Sixth, he is driven and motivated, and he knows what he wants and he is willing to work to get it. And of course, he is a Godfearing, christian man. These initial attributes made me like him at the start. As time went on, I found out more and more about him that mirrored my deepest heart desires. One thing I realised after I had been going out with him for a few months was that he always brings out the best in me. And that is what a man is supposed to do for his woman. (Any guy that brings out the worst in me is definitely not Mr Right!)
Now the second half of this exercise at the singles meeting. After we had written our proper lists, the woman leading the meeting asked us a question. What kind of woman do you think the guy with all the attributes you have written would go for? Are you his type? If you have written that you want a guy that is hardworking, bear in mind that he is not likely to want a lazy wife. Or if you desire a man that is responsible and caring, realise that he is likely to be attracted to a responsible and caring girl as well! You as the lady, would have to step-up to meet his high standards. Then she asked us to write our own attributes that we think a guy would desire in us. (Gosh, more thinking for us to do). This time we took a lot longer to write our lists. Things like tall, sexy, cute and pretty didn't come into it. This made us realise that we had to be as good as what we desired. So when I met Mr, I asked him what attributes he desired most in his woman. He mentioned a few things. Some I could meet easily and some I am still working on. Thank God he was willing to compromise too (:-)
One day my church organised a singles meeting which I attended. We were asked to do several exercises. One of them was to write out what attributes we desired in our future partner. We all wrote our answers on paper and gave them to the woman leading the meeting. She read some of them out. There was stuff like rich, handsome, charismatic, tall, cute etc. She almost laughed at all of us. She said that we had obvoiusly not given it much thought. Where were our priorities? We were thinking of the superficial stuff, not thinking about what really brings lasting joy, peace and satisfaction in a relationship. Whatever happened to characteristics like God-fearing, disciplined, focused, reliable, honest, hardworking, caring, responsible, kind, committed, gentle, self-controlled, mature, respectful etc....? She tore up our lists and asked us to write new ones, and this time we should think before we just wrote some random things that popped into our heads. The second time we submitted our lists, our priorites seemed to have changed. LOL.
That meeting got me thinking though. I realised that I had to define what was really important to me, and what I could compromise on. Each of us at that meeting had to. Truthfully, before I met Mr I just had a very hazy picture in my head of what I wanted in a man. I had decided I wanted my husband to be like my dad - someone kind, generous and funny. He would have to be as educated as I was, because I enjoy meaningful and stimulating conversations. I wanted a God-fearing man because I knew it would have to be a man willing to wait till we got married before I slept with him. I knew I wanted someone I could trust, someone that I could rely on, and someone who would be my best friend. These were things I knew I could not compromise on. Things like the car he drove, the brand of clothes and perfume he wore, the schools he went to or the amount of money he had, I could easily compromise on. As per physical attributes, I thought I wanted someone 'tall, dark and handsome'. LOL, I guess I read too many Mills and Boon novels when I was a teenager. I put these ideas into prayers. Actually I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. I thank God that He knew my needs and met them. I actually got a better deal than I had imagined in my mind. I am not saying hubby is perfect, none of us is. But he is God's perfect choice for me.
Now I didn't get everything on my wishlist. He is not 'tall, dark and handsome' the way I had imagined my husband would be. He is not yet as 'rich' as I would have wanted him to be. But my superficial judgement melted away as I got to know more of him. First, it was his confidence that attracted me. From the minute I met him, he exuded some natural aura about him that just draws people. Second, he made me feel good about myself. Third he was so easy to talk to. When we are talking, the conversation flows so easily even when we are not agreeing. Fourth, he didn't try to 'buy' or bribe me to like him by sending me loads of gifts, he just allowed me to get to know him for who he is. Fifth, he is a cheerful person, he knows how to cheer me up when issues are weighing on my mind. Sixth, he is driven and motivated, and he knows what he wants and he is willing to work to get it. And of course, he is a Godfearing, christian man. These initial attributes made me like him at the start. As time went on, I found out more and more about him that mirrored my deepest heart desires. One thing I realised after I had been going out with him for a few months was that he always brings out the best in me. And that is what a man is supposed to do for his woman. (Any guy that brings out the worst in me is definitely not Mr Right!)
Now the second half of this exercise at the singles meeting. After we had written our proper lists, the woman leading the meeting asked us a question. What kind of woman do you think the guy with all the attributes you have written would go for? Are you his type? If you have written that you want a guy that is hardworking, bear in mind that he is not likely to want a lazy wife. Or if you desire a man that is responsible and caring, realise that he is likely to be attracted to a responsible and caring girl as well! You as the lady, would have to step-up to meet his high standards. Then she asked us to write our own attributes that we think a guy would desire in us. (Gosh, more thinking for us to do). This time we took a lot longer to write our lists. Things like tall, sexy, cute and pretty didn't come into it. This made us realise that we had to be as good as what we desired. So when I met Mr, I asked him what attributes he desired most in his woman. He mentioned a few things. Some I could meet easily and some I am still working on. Thank God he was willing to compromise too (:-)
Saturday, December 9
No Sex Please
I was going to write this post later, but I mentioned something on my other blog that attracted interest so I decided to write it now. This is about how and why I waited till I was married before I finally had sex.
When I was just becoming a teenager, probably around 12 years old, I came across two small booklets titled "For Young Girls Only" or something like that. The booklets talked frankly about sex, the risks involved in indulging in sex before you are ready and many other things. The message in the book was clearly that abstinence was the best, fool-proof way of protecting yourself from diseases and unwanted pregnancy. So I decided that that would be the way for me to go. Of course at the time I didn't fully understand all the things involved, I just reasoned that it was a good idea, and I couldn't really go wrong with that. I didn't have brothers so I knew very little about guys. Now when I turned 13, my parents called me aside and gave me "the talk". Being a christain also helped because I was taught that God wanted me to be holy, and that sex outside of marriage was wrong.
I grew older and things started changing. I became aware of myself, feelings for guys and raging hormones. I started reading M&Bs, Jackie Collins, Hints, Hearts (hands up who read those mags in Nigeria!) etc. Started watching more movies. I became more and more aware of what sex was, but since I had made up my mind, I was not so curious. I knew when some of my friends started kissing and exploring with boys but I wasn't interested. However I knew temptation was heading my way when I started developing crushes on cute guys so I confided in some of my friends and we all made a pact to keep our virginity till we got married. If I remember correctly, we were 16 at the time and we were thinking we would have to wait about 8 years. We started making fun of the girls who had boyfriends and sexual encounters. We felt like we had something they didn't: self-control and virtue. All was well during secondary school. I even managed to leave secondary school without having kissed a guy because I didn't kiss my first boyfriend.
Things got more complex after secondary school and now I was in the big wide world. Gone was the protective cloak of my initial group of friends around me, now I had to stand on my own two feet. The pressure was now overwhelming especially in my college. I felt like all around me, my mates were exploring sex, having fun, enjoying themselves and I was the only one missing out. Sometimes when the peer pressure was getting to me, I would remind myself of the reasons why I was holding back. For me, some of the reasons were: (1) to please God (2) prevent unwanted pregnancies (3) prevent any funky diseases (4) Keep my respect and dignity (5) My business would not be the talk of the school (6) To give my future husband something really special (7) Something to look forward to when I eventually get married (8) No unhealthy soul ties to anyone (9) I won't be comparing past guys to husband (10) husband will trust me more (11) No issues with "so how many guys have you slept with?" type questions (12) No regrets about giving it up to ex-boyfriends etc ....
About the same time too, my second boyfriend was hinting that he wanted to take things further. When I told him I hadn't had sex before, he told me that I should prove it to him by sleeping with him (now how does that make sense?!!). I found that really funny. I told him that if that was the way I was "proving it" to every guy that asked, there would be nothing left of me. And I told him that if he married me, I would sleep with him. He tried to use the classic lines: "If you loved me, you would do it". Ah! I wasn't having that one. But I made sure I didn't put myself in any compromising situation. I never went to his house, he always came to mine (that way I could kick him out if things got slippery). When we went out I made sure he brought me back home early, or I had adequate transport fare on me, if I needed to escape. At every other time, we were on the phone, or hanging out with my friend and his cousin on double dates. And thankfully, before things got out of hand I told him I was leaving Nigeria. He said I should make sure I keep my virginity for him. I told him I would try.
Got to England and soon had more guys on my case. It seemed like some guys could tell I was innocent and they wanted to take that away from me. The "Sly Wolf" in my earlier post was just one of them, but there were two other guys. All I can say is, God was watching over me so they didn't succeed. Soon I started going out with the guy that disappeared and faced more temptations. I told him where I stood on sex, and he seemed to understand. After he disappeared and the relationship ended, I remember telling my friend that I'm glad I hadn't slept with him. That would have just made me feel worse.
Then I met Mr and one day the conversation strayed towards past relationships. I told him I had nothing to confess and I was proud of that. He then told me that he had slept with his ex-girlfriends, and he asked me if it would matter to me if we started going out or got married. At first I was not so sure, but later, I thought that if God had sent me this man, then it would not be a reason to throw him away. Since he had repented and recommitted himself in his walk with God, I could let it go as past tense. In essence I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him until we were married and he agreed! So we could help each other to stay pure. I must admit it was really hard, but I will talk more about it in future posts.
When I was just becoming a teenager, probably around 12 years old, I came across two small booklets titled "For Young Girls Only" or something like that. The booklets talked frankly about sex, the risks involved in indulging in sex before you are ready and many other things. The message in the book was clearly that abstinence was the best, fool-proof way of protecting yourself from diseases and unwanted pregnancy. So I decided that that would be the way for me to go. Of course at the time I didn't fully understand all the things involved, I just reasoned that it was a good idea, and I couldn't really go wrong with that. I didn't have brothers so I knew very little about guys. Now when I turned 13, my parents called me aside and gave me "the talk". Being a christain also helped because I was taught that God wanted me to be holy, and that sex outside of marriage was wrong.
I grew older and things started changing. I became aware of myself, feelings for guys and raging hormones. I started reading M&Bs, Jackie Collins, Hints, Hearts (hands up who read those mags in Nigeria!) etc. Started watching more movies. I became more and more aware of what sex was, but since I had made up my mind, I was not so curious. I knew when some of my friends started kissing and exploring with boys but I wasn't interested. However I knew temptation was heading my way when I started developing crushes on cute guys so I confided in some of my friends and we all made a pact to keep our virginity till we got married. If I remember correctly, we were 16 at the time and we were thinking we would have to wait about 8 years. We started making fun of the girls who had boyfriends and sexual encounters. We felt like we had something they didn't: self-control and virtue. All was well during secondary school. I even managed to leave secondary school without having kissed a guy because I didn't kiss my first boyfriend.
Things got more complex after secondary school and now I was in the big wide world. Gone was the protective cloak of my initial group of friends around me, now I had to stand on my own two feet. The pressure was now overwhelming especially in my college. I felt like all around me, my mates were exploring sex, having fun, enjoying themselves and I was the only one missing out. Sometimes when the peer pressure was getting to me, I would remind myself of the reasons why I was holding back. For me, some of the reasons were: (1) to please God (2) prevent unwanted pregnancies (3) prevent any funky diseases (4) Keep my respect and dignity (5) My business would not be the talk of the school (6) To give my future husband something really special (7) Something to look forward to when I eventually get married (8) No unhealthy soul ties to anyone (9) I won't be comparing past guys to husband (10) husband will trust me more (11) No issues with "so how many guys have you slept with?" type questions (12) No regrets about giving it up to ex-boyfriends etc ....
About the same time too, my second boyfriend was hinting that he wanted to take things further. When I told him I hadn't had sex before, he told me that I should prove it to him by sleeping with him (now how does that make sense?!!). I found that really funny. I told him that if that was the way I was "proving it" to every guy that asked, there would be nothing left of me. And I told him that if he married me, I would sleep with him. He tried to use the classic lines: "If you loved me, you would do it". Ah! I wasn't having that one. But I made sure I didn't put myself in any compromising situation. I never went to his house, he always came to mine (that way I could kick him out if things got slippery). When we went out I made sure he brought me back home early, or I had adequate transport fare on me, if I needed to escape. At every other time, we were on the phone, or hanging out with my friend and his cousin on double dates. And thankfully, before things got out of hand I told him I was leaving Nigeria. He said I should make sure I keep my virginity for him. I told him I would try.
Got to England and soon had more guys on my case. It seemed like some guys could tell I was innocent and they wanted to take that away from me. The "Sly Wolf" in my earlier post was just one of them, but there were two other guys. All I can say is, God was watching over me so they didn't succeed. Soon I started going out with the guy that disappeared and faced more temptations. I told him where I stood on sex, and he seemed to understand. After he disappeared and the relationship ended, I remember telling my friend that I'm glad I hadn't slept with him. That would have just made me feel worse.
Then I met Mr and one day the conversation strayed towards past relationships. I told him I had nothing to confess and I was proud of that. He then told me that he had slept with his ex-girlfriends, and he asked me if it would matter to me if we started going out or got married. At first I was not so sure, but later, I thought that if God had sent me this man, then it would not be a reason to throw him away. Since he had repented and recommitted himself in his walk with God, I could let it go as past tense. In essence I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him until we were married and he agreed! So we could help each other to stay pure. I must admit it was really hard, but I will talk more about it in future posts.
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