Learning to Listen

It may sound like a cliché but you may have heard many happy couples say the key to staying together is communication. Usually what springs to mind when you hear this is: you and your partner should be able to talk to each other, express your feelings clearly, don't bottle things up, etc. Of course, you can't keep a relationship alive without talking to your partner. How else would you get to know them, find out their likes and dislikes? And how else will you share your feelings, thoughts, goals and motivations with each other?

However, something that is often overlooked in communication is the art of listening. Being in a healthy relationship means you must be able to listen as much as you talk. Really, one person cannot be doing the talking all the time. At any point, somebody will be talking and somebody has to be listening, otherwise the communication is not complete. This is important in any relationship, but even more so in marriage.

In the early stages in a relationship, it's easy to take turns talking and listening because you are curious to know what the other person has to say to what you tell them, you hang onto their every word and enjoy listening to their voice. As you settle down into a long-tern relationship however, we get comfortable together and may develop some bad communication practices: you start getting used to hearing their voice, so you may unconsciously tune them out. Or you get into the habit of thinking you know what they are about to say anyway, so you don't bother to wait for them to finish their sentences. Or you listen to half of their sentence, before interrupting them with something else that you want to say. I'll tell you of a few examples of how easy it is to NOT listen.

Sometimes when hubby and I are discussing a topic that we both have strong feelings about, I've found that it is easy for both of us to talk about his/her own views, because we both want our views to be heard. Not listening to each other sometimes means that at the end of the day, a lot of words have been spoken, but nobody has taken anything new on board. Why? Because we were both talking at the same time and neither of us was listening.

Another thing that springs to mind is when hubby is trying to talk to me when I'm watching TV, chatting to my friends online or reading a book. Sometimes I just don't hear what he is saying. And sometimes I hear with my ears, but my brain doesn't register any information, so some time later, I'll have to ask, "Sorry what were you saying?"

Or another example: I'll ask hubby a question and he'll say yes. Later on he will ask me why I took the action I did and I'll tell him, "But I asked you and you said yes", and he'll say, "When did you ask me?". This means that he wasn't really listening when I was talking to him, he was distracted by something else that was going on.

Previously, I wasn't aware that I had to actually learn the art of listening. I thought those things come naturally as long as we had a healthy relationship. I now know that no matter how good a relationship is, there is always room for improvement. And I needed to improve my listening skills. Not listening to hubby has led to misunderstandings in the past, and a breakdown in our communication; things that I would rather avoid.

Some time ago, I read a chapter of The Marriage Book that dealt with communication: specifically on the topic of talking and listening (I would recommend reading it!). The authors talked about the things you need to do to be a good listener. One important thing is making the effort to give our partner our full attention. This is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine I'm watching my favourite TV show and hubby decides he wants to have a conversation. It will take a lot of effort on my part to switch off from the TV and turn my attention to what he's saying. And if I can't concentrate on what he's saying, it may be worth asking him to give me a few minutes till the end of the programme. But if it's something really important to him, then he should take priority over the TV show right?

Something else the chapter talked about was our body language. Usually when we are giving someone our full attention, we tend to use eye contact and other subconscious signals. If I'm talking to someone and they can't be bothered to look at me or show any signs of interest, then I'm likely to feel ignored. So I'm also learning to pay attention to my body language when I'm having an important conversation with hubby.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we are thoughtful of the way we talk and listen to each other in a relationship, we will certainly benefit from better communication. I know I am getting better at listening now than I was a few years ago :)

Adjustments (2)

Hello all! As I mentioned in my last post, I had to make some changes and adjustments in my life after the wedding. I’ll like to say that it wasn’t just me though, as Mr had to adjust to being married too. But since I’m writing from my point of view, I’ll focus mainly on my own experiences.

One day Mr and I went shopping outside our town. It was just before Christmas, about five months after our wedding. At the mall, we bumped into a friend of mine. I decided to hang out with her, since Mr was getting bored already, so we parted ways and agreed to meet in a few hours. My friend and I shopped to our heart’s content and when we got tired; we went to a café and sat down to have a bite and a chat. As we sat down, she turned to me and asked, “So, FG I’ve been meaning to ask you. How is married life?”
I wanted to answer the question honestly, so I told her that married life is a lot of fun, but there are many adjustments to make. She asked me what kind of adjustments, and I told her that they were stuff you would never think of if you were a single girl living on your own and accountable to no one but yourself. I told her, “For example, when we were shopping just now, I had to be mindful about the clothes and underwear I was buying, because someone cares about them”. She found that really funny and said that she couldn’t imagine having to put someone else in the picture when making the smallest decisions such as the clothes she bought or what she wore underneath. I laughed and told her that it does take a long time to get used to.

Apart from that though, there were a few more “inconveniences” we had to work around, for example:

We had to learn to share the television fairly. Who knew that something that sounds so simple in theory can actually be very complicated? Mr and I have very different taste in TV programmes. I like watching dramas and sitcoms, he likes watching wild-life documentaries, sports and news debates. Even when we want to watch movies, his choices are always very different from mine. Cue arguments and accusations such as “change the channel, my show is on now!”….“But you’ve watched that show a hundred times; can I watch my own show now?”….. “Hey, you can’t change the channel; my show comes up in a minute”…… “Can we watch something else?”…… “Babe please change the channel, this show is boring!”…… etc. You get the picture (lol). How we manage to resolve it? Patience, patience, patience and compromise, as in seriously. Recently, reminders and one-hour-later channels have made a big difference too. LOL

One of my hobbies is listening to music. Preferably as loud as possible, with me singing along since I usually know all the lyrics by heart. To me, that’s one of the ways I relax and tune out stress. For example, after a long day at lectures or at work, when I get home, the first thing I do is to put on my CD player or my laptop and turn up the volume. Now this was fine until I got married and I had to factor in somebody else living in the same house as me. I got a shock one day when I was enjoying my music in the afternoon. Mr came into the living room and said I was making noise and he wanted some peace and quiet. I stared at him as if he wasn’t making sense. How could he call my music “noise” and ask me to turn it off? Did he not know that listening to music was one of my favourite things to do? We argued for ages but we still didn’t come to a resolution. I just couldn’t imagine giving up listening to music because of him. He suggested that I should use headphones. I grudgingly obliged but it was just not the same. Now though, I have learnt to leave the room he is in when I’ve got my music playing. And I make the most of it when he is not at home and I can turn it up as loud as I want to!


Something else that needed to be worked out was sharing the chores in the house. In this regard, I must say I’ve not had much of a problem, as Mr gets stuck in with the housework and he doesn’t leave it all to just me. He doesn’t like dirt and grime so he would rather scrub the tub himself, for example, than wait for me to do it. We’ve got some unspoken rules as to who does what, but they are flexible depending on who got there first. And we don’t have a time-table as such so we just do our chores as and when necessary. Usually on Saturdays, he wakes up before me and starts tidying up and I’ll join him later. And sometimes, I take charge, make a list of what needs to be done and we share both the difficult and easy tasks accordingly. It works well for us right now, but I have a feeling that when we have kids, we will need to be clearer on who does what!

Well what else? I think those were the major adjustments for me, but there were some other practical things that I had to deal with so I’ll continue writing about them.


Stay blessed and favoured!

Adjustments (1)

In my last post, did I say “live happily ever after”? Well there are some things that only happen in Disney fairy tales. In real life however, after marriage there are adjustments to be made and not all of them are easy. There are some things you can’t do anymore, some patterns you have to change, some inconveniences you have to adapt to, and so on. Some adjustments can be amusing though, depending on how you manage it. Let me give you some examples of the adjustments we had to make.

The first major adjustment we had was getting used to being with each other most of the time. Before we got married, we used to meet up for limited amounts of time, usually after work or on weekends. Now that we were married, we were spending all our time together. One week after our wedding, we were driving along together in the car when Mr turned to me and said “Babe, I’ve noticed that you have been following me around for the past week. How come?” I saw the funny side and burst into laughter. I replied, “Hello? We are now joined together, who else will I be following around?” Then he saw the funny side too. He explained that as a single guy, he was used to going out and coming in whenever he pleased without a chaperon. Now that he was married, he had to either take me with him, or tell me where he was going. He had to tell me about even a simple trip to the supermarket. I understood that because I was learning to adjust to having him around me all the time too.

The second major adjustment was learning to share our personal space. Since we were now married and living together, we had to share a house. And that meant sharing a bedroom, a wardrobe, a bathroom and everything! It was fun moving all our things into our first flat together, putting up photos on the walls and things like that. When it came to sharing the wardrobe space, there were a few disagreements. When I was a single girl, I had my whole wardrobe to myself. I didn’t have to deal with having a man’s shirts, boxers, socks and ties competing for space in my wardrobe. Hubby too had never had to share his space with a woman’s excessive number of shoes and handbags. So we had some disagreements over who had a right to more space. We also had to share a dressing table and a chest of drawers and understandably, there were more arguments. No matter how many times I explained it, hubby didn’t understand why I had so many creams, cleansers, lotions and stuff. I didn’t understand why he had so many t-shirts taking up all the space in the drawers. Thankfully, somehow we managed to fit all our stuff into our room without having too many arguments. And then one funny day, hubby said he discovered feminine stuff in his bathroom. I started laughing and reminded him that he was now living with a woman and it was now our bathroom!

I had another adjustment to make. I had to get used to cooking regularly for two people. As a single girl and a student, I didn't bother to cook much. I ate whatever I had and cooked whenever it was convenient for me. At times I would not bother to cook for many days, relying instead on take-aways and meals I could get on campus. Now that I was married, I had to think of poor hubby’s meals! It meant I had to get into a regular routine of shopping, planning and cooking meals that I had never bothered with doing before. That was a major adjustment for me and I’m sure it is for many newly-wed ladies too.

Then I also had to adjust to my new name as Mrs. This meant I had to go through a lot of my official documents and change my name one by one. I had to change my passport, bank account details, my National Insurance details, driving licence, employer records, phone bill records, redo my CV, update my details on online accounts, etc etc. It took forever and it was a major drag but I had to do it! Even now I still come across some website or document that still needs to be updated.

There were some more adjustments I had to make, but I’ll stop here. Stay tuned for my next update.

Remain blessed and favoured!

What Happened Next

We drove away from our reception venue in excitement. I was thinking “Wow! So that was our wedding day!” It was almost unreal. I looked at my new husband as we drove to our hotel, and I was thinking to myself over and over again. “We are now married, no really, we are married!” We talked excitedly about how the day had gone. We were really glad everything had gone well and all our months of planning paid off in the end. I thought about the task ahead of us, thanking everybody who had helped to make our day a success, but I pushed that to the back of my mind. I wanted to enjoy this moment, and we were looking forward to more exciting things.

Soon we arrived at our hotel and checked in with all our stuff. I’m sure the receptionist was quite amused when she saw us arriving in our native wear with a wedding cake and lots of presents! When we got to our room though, I started to get a bit nervous and I told hubby. He didn’t want to put any pressure on me. But in my mind, I wanted to experience “my wedding night” the way I had been dreaming about it since I was a teenager. I won’t go into details, but I’ll say it went very well! Just before I fell asleep, my husband (in every sense of the word now *wink*) held me and said “”Thank you for keeping yourself for me…” and I will always treasure those words. That appreciation made all the waiting and abstaining worthwhile.

The next morning, we woke up too late to have breakfast at the hotel so we drove to the mall not too far away and had breakfast in a nice café there. Over breakfast, I marvelled at how much things would change between us. I was trying to decide whether things had changed between us as a couple apart from the wedding rings we were now wearing. Something did feel a bit different though, but I couldn’t really place a finger on it. After breakfast we strolled hand in hand through the mall before we went back to the hotel. And then I don’t know what happened, but I think all the mixed emotions I had been going through in the past week just welled up in me and I burst into tears! Hubby didn’t understand it and I really didn’t as well, but I wasn’t sad so they were tears of joy. After I had a good cry and hubby consoled me well, we spent the rest of the day lounging in our room. In the evening we went out for dinner and a movie. That was nice, and at the end of the day, I remember thinking this was a good way to start married life!

We spent our first married week together this way, apart from the day we went to say goodbye to my parents when they were leaving. We didn’t have a proper honeymoon as such because I had to go back to Nottingham to complete my dissertation. During that time though, we still had stuff to do. We contacted our gift registry and arranged for delivery of our stuff, we started designing our ‘Thank You’ cards, we sorted through all the cards and envelopes that we were given on our wedding day, we contacted our photographer and videographer to finalise our pick-up date, we made a list of people to thank and a list of people we were going to visit, etc.

After our week at the hotel, we drove down to hubby’s place (where I finished consuming the top tier of our wedding cake – so much for saving it for one year- lol!). We had to move his stuff out of his old place and into our new place together. Some days later, we had a thank you party/get-together for our hostesses, groomsmen, bridesmaids and friends. It was fun to catch up with everyone and we got great feedback from them. We were hearing stories of the people who hooked up, people who met old friends, made new ones and so on, at our wedding!

A few days later, hubby and I headed up to Nottingham for me to continue my work. Fortunately, my housemate had gone on holiday so hubby and I had the house to ourselves. I started working (or trying to work) on my dissertation while he kept me company at the library. He even helped me to do some research and organise my work. It was a very cosy arrangement, I worked during the day and we hung out for the rest of the time. Eventually he had to go back home, so a month into our marriage, we spent some time apart. I stayed in Nottingham frantically trying to complete my work because the deadline was drawing near, but I made sure I went home every weekend.

I spent the rest of my time there, practically part of the furniture in the library; working, typing, researching and doing everything to finish it, and do a good job. It was a big relief when I finally finished my 20-000 word dissertation, got it bound and submitted it! The very next day, I packed my stuff, said goodbye to Nottingham and ran home to… live happily ever after. LOL.

Our Wedding Day!

My alarm went off early in the morning, waking me and my girls up. It was my wedding day, the day I had been waiting and planning for has finally arrived! We all got up and started chatting excitedly. One by one, we got organised and started preparing for the day’s activities. While everyone else started getting ready, taking their showers, getting their hair done and everything, I went to another room to pray. I was getting nervous and I had to calm my nerves somehow. I thanked God for our relationship, the plans and preparations we had made towards our marriage, I prayed that everything would go well throughout the day, and the journey Mr and I were about to embark on would be a blissful and happy one. Just as I finished praying, my aunt, three of my cousins, one to do my make-up, arrived at the house to help me get ready. My bridesmaids came to call me to go and shower. Meanwhile my sister (the chief bridesmaid) started laying out my ensemble for the day. She brought out my dress, gloves, shoes, jewellery, make-up, purse, bouquet and finishing touches and placed them in the dressing room.

When I stepped into the room, everyone crowded around and started helping me to get dressed. It felt a bit odd but it was fun at the same time being pampered and looked after. I just sat down patiently checking the mirror while my hair was done, my make-up was applied and my sister forced cereal down my throat. I remember protesting, but she said something like “You have to eat something to keep your energy up all day…” and everyone around agreed so I put up with it. Finally they were done with my hair and face and they brought out my white dress and fitted me into it carefully. They teased me that I had gained some weight since I was measured for the dress! Then my shoes went on, then the earrings and necklace, then the gloves, and then finally my veil. A few final touches and I was ready to go. I inspected myself in the mirror, twirling this way and that. I almost didn’t believe it was me! It was perfect.

Meanwhile the photographer and videographer had arrived. My hostess and bridesmaids were all dressed and ready, the bridesmaids were wearing lilac outfits with silver accessories, and the chief bridesmaid wore a cream dress with a lilac sash. We picked up our bouquets and posed for photographs as we walked down the stairs. Our transportation arrived just in time and we posed for more photographs as we walked out to the car. The neighbours came out of their houses to watch our little procession and we had fun posing for several shots. I remember the photographer telling me to keep smiling as he would be taking photos of me all the time. So I kept a big grin on my face all day.

After posing and taking enough photographs, my bridesmaids and chief hostess and I piled into the limo and we drove down to the church . I was feeling less nervous now and more determined to enjoy the day as much as I could, no matter what happened. At least I hoped nothing terrible would happen! We all chilled out and enjoyed the ride, talking about how the rest of the day would pan out. The church service was to begin at 11.00 am and we got there about 10.45 which was good because I really didn’t want to be late. (I had heard of a wedding ceremony where the bride arrived so late that the service began without her!)

As the limo was pulling up to the church I could see some of my friends, the groomsmen and the ushers waiting for us outside. My friends came to the car to say hello and they commented on how nice I looked, asked me if I was nervous, etc. My parents and the rest of the bridal party also came round to the limo and we took a few more photos before we lined up to go into the church. My sister went to peep into the church and she came back to tell me “The church service is about to start and your groom is waiting for you!” So we formed our procession: the flowergirls and the page boys paired up, the bridesmaids and groomsmen coupled up and led the way into the church. Then my dad took my arm and my sister carried my train and we walked slowly into the church as the processional hymn began. This was the moment when it dawned on me that I was actually getting married today! As my dad and I walked slowly down the aisle, I was trying not to cry, that would just ruin the moment (not to mention my make-up). I glanced at people in the pews as I walked past and smiled to say thank you. My dad led me to the altar and the minister took my hand and led me the rest of the way as the hymn came to an end, then he asked the congregation to sit down. So we made it to our wedding day!

I glanced at my groom, looking relaxed, proud and handsome beside me. I relaxed too and decided to enjoy the rest of the ceremony. When we sat down, he whispered to me “You look really beautiful” and I smiled at him and whispered back, “You look nice too”. My sister and the best man sat behind us on the altar and the service began. First there was a bible reading, then another hymn. After that, the minister began to speak: “Dearly beloved we are gathered here to join this man and this woman together in holy matrimony…..” It was then I noticed the congregation of family, friends and church members seated. It was amazing to think that all these wonderful people were here because of us! I noticed the church decorations were beautiful- the florist had used white and lilac flowers to decorate the altar, the aisle and the pews. My church choir had decked out so well too, with huge headties and all. It was all very exciting.

The minister continued speaking – asking the congregation if anyone “had any just cause why these two people should not be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace…..” Thankfully nobody stood up (two days before, my cousins had threatened to punch anyone that stood up, which would have been hilarious), so he called Mr and I to recite our vows. Mr lifted the veil off my face and we began:

The minister asked Mr: "Will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together in holy matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

He said yes!

Then he asked me: "Favoured Girl, will you have this man to be your husband, to live together in holy matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

I think I said yes too (LOL). Then we repeated our vows to each other. Mr went first:

“I (Mr), take you Favoured Girl, to be my wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part”.

Then it was my turn:

“I Favoured Girl, take you (Mr), to be my husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part”.

The words flowed quite easily because we had practiced them the day before. I thought about the enormity of those vows and I meant them from the bottom of my heart. Everyone clapped and then it was time to exchange rings. The minister blessed the wedding rings and gave them to us to exchange and recite some more promises:
“I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you and a token of our marriage. Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side and that I will always be a faithful partner to you”.

After that, he said a few more words and then he declared us husband and wife! Everyone in the church clapped and cheered. Then the groom kissed his bride….. that kiss lasted about three minutes!

Moving on swiftly, the rest of the service went well – there was a short message, Mr and I went to sign the marriage register with two witnesses, after that we had thanksgiving session where my mum danced and danced lol. Everyone came out to congratulate us and it was fun! Finally, prayers were said and it was the recessional hymn and the end of the service. I remember walking out of the church, hand in hand with my new husband, grinning from ear to ear and lots of cameras flashing in my eyes. Finally we made it out of the church with the bridal party and the officiating ministers, and then we gathered round to take the official photographs.

Hubby and I stood there smiling and smiling while the officiating ministers, our family members, friends, bridal party, co-workers, church members and so on gathered round to take photos. Then we had some portraits shots taken and the crowd started moving on to the reception venue. We drove down to the reception venue in the limo together with the flowergirls and page boys. They were teasing us about the long kiss at the altar and me blushing afterwards. The ride to the reception was cool; hubby and I were chatting about how the day had gone so far and I kept looking at my finger and thinking “Wow! I’m now married!”

We got to the reception venue at about 2.30pm and the reception was due to start at 3.00 so we had to chill in the limo for a while. I didn’t mind, my sister helped me touch up my make-up and we got to take more photos. Our friends and bridal party came round to wait on us hand and foot. They got us some snacks and drinks to munch on while we waited for the opening ceremonies. At some point, I peeped into the hall to check out how it had been arranged and decorated, it was lovely! There were purple and lilac balloons, flowers, white and purple table cloths, purple napkins neatly folded on the tables, the favours were arranged in order and everything looked nice. I was really pleased and my sister-in-law had done a great job! In the meantime, my hostesses were getting ready to start their duties; they changed into their native wear and headties and lined up at the entrance to the hall. Later on when we watched the video, we saw the MC calling our parents, grandmas and the chairman to the high table. When it was time for us to go in, our coordinator and the hostesses came to get us. So we lined up and danced in: my hostesses, the bridal party and the “youngest couple in town”. It was a long procession and I danced and danced as we came into the hall. Hubby claims he danced more than me though, but I don’t agree and we still debate it till now, lol. By the time we finally got to the high table, I was already out of breath! Hubby and I sat in the middle, next to my new mum-in-law and the chairman of the occasion, and my sister and the best man sat behind us with a fan, because we were hot from all the dancing.
The reception began; my dad gave a small welcome speech, there was an opening prayer, then the buffet was open and our guests tucked in. I was almost too excited to eat, but I managed a few mouthfuls because I needed the energy. Hubby and I waved at our friends as they went past the high table. It was fun sitting on the high table observing how everything was going on. My mum made me laugh when she said she had been attending so many weddings recently and she was waiting for mine so she could sit on the high table! Meanwhile, my dad was cracking us up, telling funny jokes about married life, and the chairman was telling us how my dad was the best man at his wedding. Hubby and I were just shaking our heads in amusement. I saw the hostesses helping to serve and coordinate everything going on and I was touched. The DJ was playing some nice music and hubby remarked that everything was going well, so thank God all our months of planning paid off!
Soon it was time for the chairman’s speech and that was fun. Our chairman was my dad’s best friend that I’ve known since I was a little girl, so I was glad he agreed to be our chairman. Well I don’t think he had any choice really, lol. He gave a nice speech, some advise for us as a married couple and some anecdotes.

After his speech, it was time for us to cut our wedding cake (and hubby’s birthday cakes as well) so we got off our seats and went to the cake stand. My sister-in-law had made us a lovely 4-tier cake, and the birthday cakes I had ordered for Mr were there too. He was really pleased that I had made a note to celebrate his birthday. We cut the cake and posed for more photographs, hubby even got a “happy birthday” song! We fed each other a small piece of cake as is the tradition, to see “how we would feed each other at home”, that was alright too. I gave hubby a small piece of cake and he gave me a small piece too, and then kissed me. So sweet!

Then I had to throw my bouquet. This part was quite amusing. Hubby went back to his seat while the MC called out all the single ladies at the reception. My friends and cousins came forward, all winking and telling me to throw the bouquet to them. I think I just closed my eyes and threw it back, and then I turned to see who grabbed it. It was my good friend from uni that caught it and she held it up triumphantly. I was really pleased too cos she is a very nice girl and she deserved it. The MC said something like, “See me after the ceremony” to her and everyone burst into laughter.

The next thing was our official first dance as a couple. We had initially chosen “Endless Love” by Diana Ross and Lionel Ritchie but the DJ had forgotten to bring it or something, so we danced to “Oruka” instead. Hubby and I didn’t mind too much, we still rocked it. When the song ended, the music changed to other upbeat grooves so we got dancing for like another 10 minutes.

I finally got to sit down, while my friend that caught the bouquet came up to give the toast. She went to the same uni as hubby and I did, so she took the microphone and started chatting about how I stopped coming to study in the library with her when we started dating! In my mind I was thinking, “If I catch this girl, I will deal with her. Thank God I passed my degree or else….” It was funny though and at the end she proposed a nice toast and everyone clinked glasses. On the high table, my dad was saying “Your friend has exposed all your secrets, so you used to spend more time with Mr than you did studying….” I just laughed and said “Well it’s too late now to do anything about it Daddy!”

Soon afterwards, my brother-in-law gave the vote of thanks and there was a closing prayer for the first part of the reception. Hubby and I were called back to the dance floor where we danced alone for some time, then with our bridal party, then our hostesses, then the rest of our friends. That was really fun because there were more young people than old at our wedding so the dance floor was groovy! All sorts of funny, crazy moves: the groomsmen trying to out-do each other, hubby’s English work colleagues trying to dance to Nigerian music, my uni friends forming a circle around us clapping and cheering, my twelve-year old cousin dancing better than my friends, etc. Watching the video footage of the dance floor later was hilarious. Soon the adults joined us in the dance and we continued dancing for about another half an hour, before we had to go and change into our native wear.

I was already getting tired at this point, so I welcomed the short break to sit down and catch my breath. Our coordinator got our outfits out and my aunty helped me to get dressed and tie the gele since I still don’t know how to tie a perfect knot! A quick touch up on my face and we were ready to go. Our wedding attire was packed into a box and taken into Mr’s car and we headed back into the reception hall to meet and greet our evening reception guests. I remember we had to go round the hall greeting everybody and posing for more photographs. Then we continued dancing and more guests came onto the dance floor to join (and spray) us. My sisters were helping us to pick up the money and pocketing some for themselves too! Well I don’t blame them, lol. We danced for like another hour and then went to change a second time, to continue dancing till it was about 10.00pm. By then I was tired, having been on my feet dancing for more than three hours.

Hubby and I decided to leave soon after 10.30pm because we had to check into our hotel before a certain time and he was getting tired too. So we told our bridal party that we were getting ready to leave. They helped us pack our stuff and put them in the car, including our outfits, wedding gifts, one of hubby’s birthday cakes, and the top tier of our wedding cake. The photographer called us for some last minute portrait shots just as we were trying to sneak out of the reception hall. As we were leaving, I saw our friends still rocking the dance floor to “Olufunmi”, some of them were even dancing on the stage.

We called our parents to tell them we were leaving and then all of a sudden my mum became very clingy! All throughout the ceremonies, she had been enjoying her status as mother of the bride. It was as if it just dawned on her that I was leaving her to start a new life elsewhere, and she couldn’t come with me. I felt a tiny tiny bit sorry for her, but I was also quite amused. Eventually she made me promise to call her as soon as possible and my dad took her off me. Hubby’s parents were cool, he’s the last born so they had done this several times before now! The four of them walked us to our car as we left, blessing us and wishing us all the best in our married life. I remember thinking, “Awww this is so nice, who better to send us off into our new life together than our parents?” We got into the car and waved goodbye to them as we drove off together as Mr and Mrs for the first time.

Countdown to D-Day

This post is about the last 10 days before the wedding. The pace and excitement of the preparations picked up the day after I left Nottingham and arrived in London. As you can imagine, those remaining days were hectic - so many last minute preparations, the arrival of family and guests from far and near, lots and lots of outgoing phone calls (usually me arguing with my suppliers, or yelling at my poor hubby-to-be, or yelling at my bridal party), lots and lots of incoming calls (from people calling to say congrats, calling to RSVP at the last minute, or asking silly questions about address of the venues and such like), last minute shopping for favours and gifts, a completely out-of-nowhere second bridal shower, meeting with my hostesses, meeting with the groomsmen, final rehearsals and so on.

Friday, week before wedding: My parents, parents-in-law and grandma arrived from Lagos. Mr insisted I had to go and see them so I went to London even though I had to come back to Nottingham one last time before the wedding. I met my father-in-law for the first time that weekend. When Mr called me to say they were on the way to my house, I told my mum that this was going to be my first meeting with my father-in-law and I said if he didn't like me, well, it was too late for him to change his mind. My parents and I had laughed about it because they had already done the traditional engagement ceremony! Thankfully our meeting went well, and he said he had heard only good things about me so it didn't matter.

Sunday, week before wedding: That Sunday we all went to church as usual and it was good. At the end of the service, my aunt told me she wanted to see me for a brief discussion in the Sunday school and when we got there I was so surprised! The hall had been set up for a bridal shower and all the women in my church were seated and there was a chair in the middle for me. I was so surprised I couldn't speak for a while; I thought it was really nice of them. It was lovely, we prayed, opened presents, talked about married life scenarios and so on. I had a great time and I went home with lots of gifts. See I’m so favoured; I got two surprise bridal showers! Later that evening, my parents and I went back to Nottingham to finish packing my stuff for the next three weeks. So this is how the rest of my week went:

Monday: That morning, some of my family came down to Nottingham, I finished packing my stuff, then we went to the bridal shop to pick up my wedding dress. It was exciting to see the finished product all packed and ready to go. We drove down to London that evening. I went to my auntie’s place to pick up the flower girls’ dresses and we took them to their house. My niece was excited to try on her dress and accessories. Everything was fine, so I finalised their hair and accessories, overnight and travel arrangements with my sister-in-law. My mother-in-law had brought our native outfits for us, so I tried them on and they fitted well so that was sorted! I also booked a birthday cake for Mr because his birthday was approaching.

Tuesday: My sister arrived from the US this morning. It was good to see her and she was as excited about the wedding as everyone else. She came with our wedding rings, inscribed favour boxes, sweet bags and some jewellery. Then I met up with my friend who was also one of my hostesses. We went to Confetti to purchase the mints, chocolates and sweets for wedding favours, a wedding album, table decorations, ribbons and some gifts. Then we also went shopping for my make-up. We spent ages at the make-up counter trying lots of stuff, but I made sure we didn’t leave until I was satisfied that I had got what I wanted. Then we went to the store with out gift list to sort some things out. I’m sure she was tired of me by the time we finished that afternoon.

Wednesday: I went to get my hair done. My appointment was at noon, so before I thought I had some spare time to go shopping and who would I bump into in the street? One of my “toasters” who had been on my case for more than a year. I had stopped taking his calls after a while so I felt guilty and I tried to avoid him but it was too late! He had seen me and was already walking towards me. He said he was glad he bumped into me – until I told him I was getting married in three days’ time. He looked sad then he said “Really? So I finally lost you?” I didn’t know how to reply, I just mumbled that I was getting late for an appointment and I bolted off. Got to the hairdressers and spent 5 hours braiding my hair and I was pleased with the result. Meanwhile I was taking calls from our officiating minister, the florist, caterers and the store with our registry, each person confirming details. When I got back home, more family members and guests had arrived and the house was full!

Thursday: I had a back and forth telephone conversation with my sister-in-law this morning. She was very busy because she was decorating the reception venue and making our wedding cake. We were finalising the little details for the décor of the venue and table settings. I also met with three of my hostesses to give them their ‘geles’ and a list of their duties, lol. Then I went to the beauty salon for some pampering and to get my nails done. I had taken good care of my nails for months and they had grown very long, so I didn’t have to use extensions, they decorated my natural nails and they looked great! When I got home I gathered my sisters and cousins together and we filled all the favour boxes with sweets and mints, and tied them together with ribbons. It was fun doing that; they kept trying to eat the sweets so I had to keep an eye on them.
Later in the afternoon, I met up with Mr who was meeting up with his groomsmen. They had just taken delivery of their suits and they wanted to try them on. I tried to sneak a peak but they didn’t allow me to see their outfits. Then we discussed all the arrangements and their duties. Afterwards we hung out till late and had a great time. They were all telling me how they remembered it like yesterday when Mr told them he had met a girl and now they couldn’t believe we were getting married!

Friday: Lots of things to do today. First thing for me was to meet up with my aunt to shop for accessories for my native wear. Then my sisters and the other bridesmaids were going to get their hair done and meet up with me in the church later in the evening for rehearsals. So off we went. I met up with my aunt and after picking and choosing for an hour, we decided on the shoes, the bag and beads and made our purchase. When we left the market, I met up with Mr and our best man; they were going to have a hair cut and a shave or something like that. I told them they had better look nice the next day. Later the best man called me and joked that he was looking so nice, I might mistakenly marry the wrong groom!
It seemed like everything was going well. Until sometime between leaving the guys and getting home I lost my mobile phone! As you can imagine, that was the “wrongest” time to lose my mobile because so many people were calling me. I was meeting my friend who was my chief hostess, I was supposed to call the officiating minister to finalise the rehearsals, I was supposed to call my florist to deliver my flowers, I was supposed to call so many people! Fortunately I had some numbers stored in my diary so I got a new sim card and started calling everyone to give them my new number. But so many people tried to reach me and I didn’t get their messages, I didn’t get my original number restored until 2 weeks after the wedding.
Meanwhile, other things were going to plan. My cousins went to the hall with the table decorations and favour boxes, Mr’s birthday cakes arrived which was great, my chief hostess who was staying with me overnight arrived; my sisters and the other two bridesmaids came to join us and we went for the rehearsal. When we got there, the guys were already there. We practiced the procession and everything else we were supposed to with the officiating minister and it was cool. Just as we were leaving, the florist arrived to start decorating the church. Mr and his guys headed off to the reception venue to start putting things together. Afterwards they hung out at a friend’s place playing PS2 games all night. (I was really glad Mr decided not to go to a bar or club for his bachelor’s eve). My bridesmaids, chief hostess and I headed back home to make plans and pick up our outfits. I saw the bridesmaids’ outfits for the first time, thank goodness they were nice! Then we called a cab to take us to our place for the night – we were going to get a hotel but my auntie’s friend was going on holiday and she offered to let us use her house so that was great. When we got there, we planned the morning’s activities with military precision (lol, the minister had warned us not to get to the church late) so that we had enough time to get ready. We ordered Chinese, had our facials and settled in for the night. Around 11.00pm the florist delivered my bouquet and the flowers for the bridesmaids and flowergirls and she remarked that I looked calm and relaxed for a soon-to-be bride. I guess I realised that I couldn’t do anything more so there was no need to stress anymore! At midnight, I called Mr to wish him a happy birthday and before he hung up he said “See you at the altar tomorrow!” Awwwwww. Afterwards, my girls and I prayed, set our alarms and went to bed with just a few hours to go before the merry celebrations!

Bridezilla

In the previous post, I might have given the impression that all the wedding plans went smoothly without any problems. Now that won’t be honest! Anyone who has planned an event like this would know how stressful it is. Tempers can easily fly when everyone disagrees with suggestions for something. I think I was quite calm in the beginning, but as time went on, stress levels rose and I noticed I was getting more impatient with everyone. I just hope I didn’t turn into a full-fledged Bridezilla though!
Planning wasn’t always easy or smooth sailing. We had a long list of things we had to do. Mr and I divided the tasks as best as we could, and we delegated some things to our close family and friends. Whenever we met up, we would discuss and compare notes on who has done what. And then we would decide what task was next on the list. We spent long hours on the phone discussing and arguing. At some point, all our conversations were about planning and we often started with “have you sorted out….?” Or “did you confirm….?” I’m sure my housemate got tired of me after a while because I was always arguing with someone on the phone.
When I look back now, it’s a wonder Mr and I didn’t call off the wedding. We had arguments over almost everything. We argued over the budget, we argued over the number of guests, we argued over the wedding invitations, we disagreed with each other’s choice of music, we argued over our families’ suggestions, we disagreed over the choice of wedding rings, we disagreed over the wedding favours and so many other things! Fortunately, after arguing, we often compromised or came to an agreement. And thank goodness, there were a few things we could agree on.
I was in charge of sorting out my wedding dress and accessories, my hair and make-up bridesmaids’ outfits, hostess outfits, the caterers, the wedding cake, flowers, venue decorations, favours, choosing music, the gift list/registry, the wedding website, and wedding colours. Mr was in charge of: the official paperwork, booking the reception venue, booking the bridal cars, ordering wine and drinks, invitations and postage, the wedding programme, his groomsmen outfits (once I had chosen the colours), choosing the photographer and videographer, choosing wedding rings, booking the DJ and so on. We both had to choose our friends for the wedding party, get measured for traditional outfits, and draw up a guest-list of everyone we wanted to invite.
I remember making dozens of phone calls everyday and spending countless hours online researching stuff. I joined The Knot wedding planning website and found a lot of their suggestions useful.
I think the first thing I started doing was looking for a wedding dress. We know how important that is! I spent hours browsing through several websites, looking at several wedding magazines, and several catalogues and brochures. Eventually, I chose a few styles and armed with the print-outs in my bag, I marched off to the bridal shops.
The first time I stood outside a bridal shop, I didn’t know what to expect. I got there just as the shop was opening. As I stood outside one of the attendants came to say hello and invited me to come in. Then I told her I was looking for a wedding dress. She looked at me and asked, “Are you the bride?” and I said yes. And she had this funny look on her face, like I didn’t look old enough to be wandering around in bridal shops. Anyway I told her what I was looking for and she went off to bring four gowns for me to try on. I must admit it was a funny experience the first time I tried on a wedding dress and looked at myself in the mirror. It was odd but exciting at the same time. I tried on all four gowns but I didn’t want any of them. I told the attendant I would be back later as I had a lecture soon and I had to head back to campus. She gave me their catalogue to take with me. So it was back to the drawing board to look at different styles on the internet.
Some days later, I booked appointments at three bridal shops and I took a friend along. I think I tried on 12 different dresses and I still didn’t choose any of them! Then one weekend my sister came to Nottingham and we went looking again. We tried five bridal stores. Each time I tried on a dress she didn’t like, she gave me a funny look. Eventually we went to a store and I tried on a dress that caught my eye and it was perfect! Phew! So I asked the fitting assistant a few questions and they said it would be ready in time for July if I ordered it straight away. So that was sorted!
My bridesmaids and I couldn’t agree on outfits for a long time. One of my sisters in the US was a bridesmaid and the others were in the UK so we had to choose on her behalf. When we went shopping, we argued on styles so much that I gave up on them. I told them the colour and I told them that they must turn up on the wedding day in that colour otherwise I won't let them join my train. Eventually they sorted themselves out and went shopping by themselves and chose their gowns. They described it to me but I actually didn’t see their outfits until the night before the wedding!
Another cause of arguments was the catering. We had to estimate the number of invited guests we were going to have. But knowing our Nigerian settings, we had to plan for extras! That was so hard – trying to balance a sensible catering budget with an unknown number of guests. I had several arguments with my aunt over how much extra food we should have. She was saying we should plan for up to 300 extra plates of food. I was saying I didn’t want to waste my money on too much food, since I had other things I could do with that money! She was adamant that we needed more than enough; we should hire more crockery etc. I was telling my aunt that if anything went wrong with the food, I wouldn’t forgive her. Finally we dragged my mum and the caterers into the argument and they reassured me that everything would be fine.
Then there was the one with my sister-in-law over the flowergirls' outfits. I liked one thing and the mum's wanted something else. After countless telephone calls, trips to department stores and discussions over bridal catalogues, I was at my wits end. Fortunately I was rescued by my mum's sister who designed something that we were all happy with. Phew.
I think I had one more quarrel with my aunty saying that I shouldn't wear a strapless gown. We really had a big row over that one. What? After I had spent so much time, effort and money into picking the dress, then I can't wear it? No way. The argument raged for ages. My aunty reported me to my parents, saying the dress was too revealing. My dad offered to buy me a new dress a week to the wedding if it would put an end to the arguments. I absolutely refused. In the end, she backed down and I was able to wear my lovely dress.
There were several other hair-raising moments and screaming matches, but I can't describe all of them. It was a lot of fun though. In the end, when everything finally came together, all the hard feelings melted away and everyone involved was smiling.

Trusting God

Update! I decided to continue the post and make it one long post instead of two short ones. I continued from where I stopped......

I mentioned in the previous post that I really learnt to trust God during this stage in my life. When I look back now, I see that there is indeed a God, without whom I cannot do anything. If I ever feel discouraged, or it seems like God is not hearing me anymore, I remember how He helped us when we were planning our wedding. Well in February, Mr and I sent off our applications for the Certificate of Approval from the Home Office. We had been told that it could take up to 13 weeks to process. I was already a bit worried because we had so little time. But we had no choice, we could only pray that it came back on time. Meanwhile we decided to continue with wedding preparations. The best way to explain how things were going is to break it into some sort of monthly time-line. Here goes:

January 2005:
We decided to get married and announced the wedding date to our family. Our families start making their plans. I informed the church and the Registry. Registrar tells us of the new rule. We need to apply for a COA from the Home Office. We tell our families of this new development, but we assure them that all is well and the wedding plans will still go ahead. I have my first semester exams. We started the application process for the COA.

February 2005:
We send our applications to the Home Office. Everyone is praying that it will be returned on time, so that we can finalise the rest of the legal requirements before the proposed wedding date. In the meantime, wedding plans are in full swing. We agree on budget and size, choose our wedding colours, draw up a guest list, set up a wedding website and send out "Save-the-Date" emails. Mr chooses his groomsmen, I choose my wedding dress and paid the initial deposit, choose my bridesmaids and hostesses. We continue attending marriage classes, while I also carry on with my lectures at uni.

March 2005:
No word from the Home Office, not even an acknowledgement letter. Anyway we carry on planning. We book the reception venue, contact a caterer, contact a florist, print the invitation cards, decide on the wedding cake, book music for reception, choose wedding rings and draw up a registry/gift list. We ordered our wedding bands from the US so we had to get them delivered to my sister. It's my mum's 50th birthday and my parents come to the UK for a brief visit. Everyone in my family is informed of the coming wedding. Later on, we send our measurements to my mum in Nigeria, who is busy making plans of her own. Our families meet up and get on well (yay!) and they start planning the traditional ceremonies. Meanwhile, I chose my dissertation topic and I have to start researching before everyone else so that I can have a head start.

April 2005:
April is a very busy month. Still no word from the Home Office. I make two telephone calls to them. The first time, they told me that they will deal with our application but there is a huge backlog, and that's why it's taking long. The second time, I spoke to a different person who told me that their computer systems are playing up but our application was in the queue. I start getting worried. Meanwhile, it's Easter break from uni. Mr and I go to London because we have so many people to meet and things to do in a short space of time. First we have a meeting with our officiating minister and he asks us how far with the COA. We tell him that we have made the application and we are waiting for the Home Office to send it back to us. Afterwards, Mr meets up with his guys to sort out their groomsmen outfits. Then I meet up with my bridesmaids and we go shopping for their dresses. We couldn't agree so we leave it till later. The next day, I meet up with one of my hostesses to choose their head ties. Eventually we settle for something we both liked. Afterwards, we went to the Department Store to update my gift list. The next day Mr and I go and check out the reception venue. We meet with the caretaker and go through a list of questions we have. Everything seems fine so we are happy with that. Mr's sister-in-law offers to bake our wedding cake and decorate the reception venue for free, since that is what she does for a living. My aunt offers to pay for the photographer and videographer . That was very nice indeed! After the Easter break, I go back to Nottingham and back into the thick of coursework and lectures. I also start making progress on my dissertation.

May 2005:
Still no word from the Home Office! Mr and I are getting really worried now. We get a lawyer to advice us on what we can do. He said we should write to them and request that they speed up our application. I sent off a letter, hoping and praying they will respond. I followed up the letter with several phone calls to no avail, nothing seemed to change.
While all this is going on, Mr said we had to send out the wedding invitations! I was feeling so nervous and doubtful. How can we be sending invitations for a wedding that is hanging in the balance? I could just imagine having to call each of our guests to tell them that the wedding had been postponed due to "unforeseen circumstances". I was getting so frustrated and stressed out with the whole thing. In a moment of despair, I went on my knees and prayed. I poured out my frustration. I prayed without knowing the exact words to say, but I know that God knew what I was feeling so it didn't matter. After I had been kneeling down for over an hour, God answered me. I was reminded of when I had prayed for a husband and He had answered me (post link). I was reminded of the fact that God was there when we started our relationship (post link). I remembered that we had prayed even when we had set the wedding date as a joke 2 years before and He had been listening! Now as I was worried, God was trying to tell me that He had already answered our prayers long ago. Indeed He had planned our paths all along, nothing of this was my own doing. So there was no need for me to be worried. All I had to do was to hold on to my faith and trust Him to do the rest. I felt much better after I finished praying and I had enough faith to remove the seeds of doubt that the enemy was trying to plant in my mind. So, I called Mr and told him it was okay and the wedding invitations went out to all the guests.
It's also my birthday this month. I have a get-together and Mr comes to Nottingham. Most of my friends hadn't met him so it's a good chance to introduce the groom. My friends are invited to the wedding and they are excited. School work continues: I have second semester exams so I stop wedding planning for 2 weeks to concentrate on revision. After exams wedding plans continue to go ahead: I finalise the menu with the caterers, order favour boxes and other gifts, my bridesmaids finally decide on their dresses and accessories, I organise the outfits and hairstyles for the flowergirls and pageboys, meet up with the florist to discuss options and try some new make-up.

June 2005:
It was less than 8 weeks to the wedding and we still hadn't heard back from the Home Office. I was getting tired of getting phone calls from concerned family asking us if we had "any news?" from the IND. Nice though it was, they were only adding to my worry. Sometimes I had so much faith that God was going to make a way. But sometimes I was very doubtful. Eventually we got another lawyer. He advised us to get our local Member of parliament involved. He also wrote another urgent letter to the Home Office. Mr and I continued making phone calls to them. They were still telling us the same old story: our applications were in the queue, and no, they couldn't be speeded up. Our parents too were getting worried. They were making plans for our traditional engagement ceremonies back home. So every time I called them, they would express concern over the delay of our COA. I would tell them not to worry, that everything would still work out. At some point, Mr and I were thinking that if the COA didn't come, we might carry out the ceremonies anyway and then get the official documents later! But that would be a sham and we didn't want that. So we just had to continue praying everyday.
Plans and preparations continued though. After my exams, I went for my first wedding dress fitting. It felt surreal to be standing in front of a mirror in my wedding dress! I asked for a few adjustments to be made, and then I booked in for a second fitting. I had to go to London for a while to sort some things out. I had a meeting with three of my hostesses and we planned the wedding itinerary. Then came back to Nottingham. I went shopping for my wedding accessories: shoes, veil, tiara, gloves and jewellery. Then I had a final consultation with the florist and we agreed on the flowers for me, my train and the church decorations. We made finishing touches to our wedding website. Our gift list went live around the middle of June. It was exciting to check it and see stuff that people had bought for us. I booked an appointment to get my hair and nails done a week before the wedding, and went for three beauty appointments. I also continued working on my dissertation. I had a meeting with my supervisor and confessed to him that I was going to take time off during the summer to get married. Fortunatley he was a very nice guy and he suggested that the more I could do before the wedding, then the better for me when I came back. So I got busy and did a fair bit of research and writing in June.

July 2005:
Gosh so many things happened this month! Time seemed to fly like a blur because I was so busy. I'll write about the final weeks of preparation in detail in my next post. For now, I'll summarise. After all the months of anticipation, worries, anxiety and prayers, we finally got our documentation! It was such a huge relief. As soon as we could arrange it, Mr came to Nottingham and we went to the office together to get everything sorted. When we finished there, I went to my room so happy and jumping up and down for joy. I probably danced more that day than I did on the wedding day itself, lol. As soon as we told our parents and family that everything was sorted, the nervous anticipation disappreared and every one started getting excited. I had my second dress fitting and I was satisfied with the dress. Yay!! So I paid for the balance and booked a pick up date. My friends in Nottingham organised a surprise bridal shower for me, that was really cool. We had a great time, it was food, fun and games, and some very interesting discussions! Our parents arrived a week before the wedding day (and I met my father-in-law for the first time!), then I packed my bags, picked up my wedding dress and Mr and I headed to London. More family arrive from everywhere and the countdown to the big day begins!

Obstacles

As I mentioned in the previous post, I got back to Nottingham in January 2005, and Mr. and I had decided to start making plans for the wedding. We felt that it was God’s will for us and He was going to make things happen the way we had prayed. We had set the date for 23rd of July so we had only about 6 months to plan everything from start to finish. I had exams in January so I put planning out of my mind for the first two weeks so that I could concentrate. It was after exams that I really started working on my very long wedding to-do list. You would think that since we had God’s 100% backing, that everything would go smoothly right? Wrong! Trust the enemy to put obstacles in your path and doubts in your mind.
Around mid-January, I called my pastor in my home church in London to inform him of our proposed wedding date. I also wanted to know what procedure we would have to take to get married. At the time, Mr. and I didn’t have any friends who had recently got married, so we had to find out most things ourselves. Well the pastor told me that I had to tell him who I wanted to officiate the wedding and where it would take place. Apparently, not every pastor or minister is authorized to officiate a wedding, and not every church building is licensed to hold weddings in the UK. So I told him that I wanted him to officiate and I wanted my base church to be the venue for the church service. Fortunately, he is authorized to carry out weddings and my church is a licensed venue. Second thing he asked me to do was to ring the church secretary to inform her about the date so that she could put it in the church calendar and she will tell me more about the legal requirements and the process of getting married in the UK. No problem so far. I called the church office and spoke to the church secretary. I informed her of the date and she looked it up in the church calendar and said it was available so she wrote it down. Then I asked her what we needed to do. She told me a long list of procedures: we needed to go and give notice of marriage to our local registry office, the registry need at least 14 days notice although the norm for this was 8 weeks, we needed to fill out some forms and pay a fee, the Registrar would then issue us a marriage schedule, we would bring this schedule back to the church, the officiating minister must sign this, before a marriage certificate can be issued etc. Basically it was going to be some looooong process. Now to complicate it further, we were intending to get married in our church in London, but neither of us was based in London during that period. Well I thanked the secretary for the useful information and hung up with a promise to call back as soon as I had sorted everything out. Feeling overwhelmed already, I called Mr. and left a message for him, and then I called the registry office.

The nice lady I was speaking to asked me lots of questions. I gave them all the information that they needed. Everything was going fine until she asked me if Mr and I were British citizens and I said we were not. She asked what status we were in the UK. I told her that we were both Nigerians, I was a student and Mr had a work permit. She said I should hold on for a second. She came back on the line and said that there was one more thing we would need to do. Apparently in 2005, the UK government decided to start clamping down on fake marriages involving immigrants, who get married solely for the purposes of obtaining British citizenship. So as from that time, any non-UK person planning to get married in the UK must obtain permission from the Immigration Department. If everything is fine, the Immigration Department will then issue the intending couple a Certificate of Approval before they can get married. I was thinking, “Oh great. We have another bridge to cross.” I thanked the lady and rang Mr back and left another message on his phone about what the lady at the registry had said. Then I went to research into the new rule on the IND website. I found out that we would have to apply (and pay for the privilege) for the Certificate of Approval separately and it would take up to 13 weeks to process. 13 weeks! Remember our proposed wedding date is in July and we were already approaching February.
That evening Mr and I discussed it and we decided to send the applications right away without further delay, in the hope that we would get the certificate back, and be able to proceed with all the other steps we had to take. So two days later, we filled the forms and everything and sent our application off.

Now, in the meantime we were faced with this conundrum: should we put a hold on the wedding plans until we got the certificate or should we continue planning while we were waiting?

We prayed about it and we decided that we would go ahead with planning. Knowing that we had six months, and time was not exactly on our side, we thought it was better to keep plans going steady. That way we would be on schedule if and when the Certificate arrived. So we continued making our wedding plans.

Making Plans

Seems like I haven't updated in ages! So much going on, apologies to everyone.

In the hectic period of December 2004, when I had all the coursework deadlines, exam revision and things to do, I felt God was telling us that His plan was for us to get married in summer 2005. I was trying to push the thought out of my mind, thinking this was absolutely impossible. I was facing an even more hectic 2nd semester as my course workload was going to increase, plus I had a dissertation to write that summer. I was worrying about how to tell our family that we were planning to get married in the next year. I was worrying that there wasn't enough time to plan a successful wedding.
Eventually we had our Christmas break from uni. I remember that holiday clearly. In the middle of Christmas celebrations, revising for January exams and what not, I was worrying and worrying. Mr and I came back to London and started talking seriously about it. We put all our concerns and worries into prayers. In the end we decided to go ahead with it, that we will do as much as we could and then let God take control of the rest. We tentatively chose a date in July 2005 (I remembered we had jokingly mentioned the date as a possibility in the past, see here) and so we began the planning process.
First thing to do was to inform our families so that they could start making their own plans. On New Year's day in 2005, myself, Mr and my two sisters went to spend the day with his older brothers and their families. From there, we called my parents and told them of our plans. I was dreading the call because I expected my dad to hit the roof. Surprisingly, he didn't. He asked us a few questions. Some stuff about me having to finish my degree and make sure I pass my exams. I promised that the wedding won't affect my studies in any way. And then he said it was okay! (That's some faith). He said he and my mum would start putting things in place. That went well, I thought. Then we called Mr's parents. They sounded pleased too, and said they would start putting things in place at their own end. When we hung up, Mr and I looked at each other and said something like "so we are really going to do it this year!" and went to announce the happy news to the rest of the family. It was like "Hey everyone, we are getting married in July!" If anybody was worried or surprised, they didn't show it. Everyone started talking at once. His older brothers started asking Mr about plans to bring their parents over because we said we wanted the wedding to be in England. My sister-in-law started discussing about planning every detail, asking about my bridal train and offering to help. All the kids were jumping up and down and telling me they wanted to be my flowergirl or pageboy and were already asking what they would wear. My sisters started planning their summer holidays around the wedding as they were going to be bridesmaids, naturally. It was a bit surreal, I was in a daze, my mind was swirling with so many questions and ideas and it was just beginning to sink in that I was getting married soon. Mr on the other hand was already talking and then I realised, right Favoured Girl, snap out of it, there's so much to do and so little time. By the time we left his brother's house, I was already dreading how busy I was going to be over the next few months.
Over the next few days, we informed other members of our families, our pastors and our friends. I remember telling my good friend on the same course as me, and she sounded excited. But she expressed concern over how I was going to cope at uni with the added stress of planning a wedding. I must have sounded more confident than I felt, cos I told her I don't know, with God all things are possible (while agreeing with her and wondering what I had gotten myself into!).
Soon the holidays were over and I had to go back to Nottingham. Mr and I agreed that we would meet up once a month in London, aside from the marriage classes, so that we could deal with issues that we couldn't sort out over the phone, visit the necessary people, meet vendors, look at venues and so on. You can just imagine us trying to squeeze everything we had to do in 2 weeks into a single day everytime we met in London lol. After many calm (not!) conversations, we drew up a budget for the wedding and got the ball rolling.
I got back to Nottingham, resumed lectures and started revising for exams. Some of the lecturers were already talking about the summer dissertation. During one class, the lecturer was giving us advice on how to manage our time mroe effectively over the summer. He gave us this sage advice: "Don't be like one of my students last year who finished her exams in June, went home and got married over the summer, and then failed her dissertation because she didn't have enough time to research and write it properly". I could have laughed but I couldn't because I was in the same situation. My two friends in the class turned to look at me with funny looks on their faces. After the lecture, they teased me saying "Did you hear what the lecturer said? One student did what you are planning to do and she failed!" I knew at once that I was going to have to be much more organised with my work and with the wedding plans. And boy did I become organised. I made very good use of my diary, appointment book and the academic year planner on my wall. I made a time-able for everything I was doing every hour of the day. It meant I was constantly busy, because if I wasn't studying, then I was planning. If I got tired of studying, I would do some wedding planning. And if I got tired with all the planning, I would take a breather and go and study! I can definitely say that during those months between January and July 2005, I was never bored.
During those months, I also really learnt to trust God more. There were some things that could not have happened without God's divine help, but I'll talk about them in the next few posts.