Wednesday, March 14


Here's one prickly topic with today's modern woman, including me. When I first heard a message on women respecting and submitting to their husbands, I thought to myself, "What?! I hope I don't have to deal with this anytime soon" and I promptly pushed it out of my mind. Well you know what, I got into a relationship and got engaged. Sooner or later, the topic came up again one Sunday in church. This time it was the pastor's wife preaching. She used herself as an example, and told us a story. When she and her husband were engaged, they visited an older friend who was advising them. He then asked her some questions: Do you love this man? She said yes. Do you trust this man? She said yes. Will you obey this man? She frowned. Their friend said to her, "No matter how much you trust and love someone, you are not ready for marriage until you can learn to submit and obey your husband".

Now as she was preaching, she said it took her almost 10 years, but her marriage became much better once she learned to submit to her husband. Someone asked, why did it take you so long? She said it is because submission is not a natural thing to do. We all want to feel like we are in control of our decisions. As a child growing up, we learn to rebel against authority. Imagine now, as you are finally an adult capable of handling your affairs, you are now being told that you have to submit to your husband's authority over you. Of course, your natural instinct is to rebel and disobey. So it took a lot of time, hard work and prayers before she learnt to tame her rebellious nature.

This time, the message hit home for me. At the time Mr and I were now serious about the future of our relationship. We had also just had an argument and I hadn't been willing to back down. Now I realised that I couldn't ignore the matter of submission anymore if I wanted a happy, peaceful relationship. But I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would have to submit to someone. I thought to myself and came up with some difficult questions. How do you submit to someone without becoming a doormat? How do you submit while still having a say in matters that come up? How are you sure that the guy won't use submission as an excuse to bully you? And how do I know when to submit and when to stick to my argument when I'm convinced that I'm correct?

I remember having a discussion with my christian friends over this topic. It seemed that they were even more resistant to the word than I was. One of them said that it is lazy women who don't want to take responsibility for their lives that hide under the umbrella of submission. Another one said that she doesn't believe that her man should have a say in her affairs at all, such as her finances. I was quite surprised actually. Yes before marriage your boyfriend has no business controlling your finances. But then won't it be important after marriage and he has become the husband? When do you start practicing submission?

There are no simple answers. So I went back to my bible. I saw that it was not really optional. The command was for husbands to LOVE their wives, and wives should RESPECT and SUBMIT to their husbands. I found some books and teachings on the subject and read them thoughtfully. Slowly I began to comprehend the subject. I understood that it did not mean 1) a violation of my rights as a human person; 2) it does not mean for me to submit to my husband’s desires blindly, totally, and completely because his desires may be unreasonable 3) it does not mean I'm to be treated like someone unable to make mature judgment. Actually the scripture talked about mutual submission. That meant both of us had to bestow equal amount of love and respect to each other. That meant that we both had to be completely unselfish when we want to get our point across. What it meant was that being a woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions, but I should recognise that I had someone who was capable of making selfless decisions for my welfare on my behalf. If I trust him to be a God-fearing, sensible, caring, and loving man, then I can safely submit to him, knowing that he will put my best interests before his own. I asked my happily married aunt for advice. She also told me that it was when she was most submissive to her husband that he was most loving to her. So those commandments of Paul in Ephesians must go together. You cannot submit to someone who doesn't show you love. Of course that meant that my choice of husband must be the right man. He must be the kind of man that I have confidence in. He must be the kind of man that I can trust completely. He must be a reasonable, selfless man. Who wants to submit to a loser or a creep? So if I can't imagine myself submitting to my boyfriend, perhaps it's best not to marry him. If my husband was being selfish and unreasonable, he cannot expect me to submit to him. I would be more willing to submit if I knew his motives were for our mutual benefit.

Still it is very hard. Knowing something in your head is very different from putting it into practice. My pride sometimes gets in the way. There are so many examples of times when my fiance has suggested something and I did not listen. Only for me to reaslise much later that he was right all along and I was wrong. Then I would feel bad for not listening right from the beginning. And I would ask God to help me again and again. It's not easy but I'm learning.

To read an article on submission, click HERE

To be continued....


DiAmOnD hawk said...

okay...i so knowwwwwwwww this wasnt here on march 14? why? cuz im a faithful stalker of this blog o!!!!!! lol

anyways I bought a book by John Hagee I think it was...written by him and his's a book u flip over and u find the other side of the book... anyways... this was a topic that was covered... and I just put it aside

I say that I will submit...but I think it's something i need to work on... example... finances... quite capable in this area so relinquishing hold of this to someone else will be harrrrrdddddddd.... and with other areas of my just used to be in control... but I like how you pointed out that it's mutual... I think that should be focused on more...

may God convict and help us on this issue im wondering...if men have to also submit...why isnt that issue tackled seems all we hear is about the women

Niyi said...

hehehe @ Diamond saying she knows the post wasn't here on March 14. I agree cos I check this blog often as well.. lol..

Anyway, I totally like this post. The focus should be on mutual submission. As Diamond said, the society (tradition, some cultures)sometimes tends to focus only on submission by women.

I heard someone explain submission by saying that men should submit to the need while women should submit to the lead. Hence, mutual submission is the key.

A Pastor explained submission as being in a position to support :Submission- lining up under. So, both the husband and wife are lined up together and support each other. If one slides away, the support is not strong/non-existent.

FG, I like what you said : "You cannot submit to someone who doesn't show you love."

I can submit to God because I know He loves me and has my best interests at heart.

The Bible says "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church...."
It will be very hard for a couple to submit to each other if 'love' (the foundation) is missing.

But then, as you said, it's one thing to know all this theory, it's another thing to practice it.
God help us o.

I loved this post. Have a great weekend.

chainreader said...

I read a book that covered this topic beautifully. It's called Love and Respect, by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. Wonderful book.

Great post. Could you post a little more often? You've obviously got a lot of fans.

Eminie said...


Moments said...

Hm... I totall agree with Diamnod and Niyi jare, the post was definitely not there on the 14th. Was surprised when I checked now and it reads 14th :-))

Anyways, thanks for that post, I guess it's a topic a lot of women kind of try avoiding and really hate to admit to the fact that they have to do it.

Meanwhile, episode 2 is out on my best friend jare.

Hope to catch you again soon.

Anonymous said...

Definitely agree it wasnt posted on the 14th, cos i`ve been checking for update like every

This is a very thoughtful write up and like Eminie said, may be your calling is marriage counselling.(seriously pray about it).I agree with everything you said and i pray God will help me too to be submissive to my hubby.Thanks girl you are like God sent and one of the people i would love to actually meet up with one day.

Favoured Girl said...

Sorry about the date guys! I started writing the post on the 14th and saved it as a draft. I came back to publish it on Saturday but the date remained as 14th March. Hence the confusion. I didn't think anyone would notice, LOL.

@Diamond Hawk: I've got that book! I haven't read it yet, but I was planning to read it soon. I'll start on it this week. Thanks!

@Niyi: Great comment as usual. I think you should start a blog. I'll love to read it! Thanks for elaborating on mutual submission. Makes things clearer.

@Chainreader: Thanks for dropping by! I'll go and look for that book as no knowledge is wasted. I'll try to post more often too.....

truth said...

Don't worry I won't hassle you over the yesterday I was thinking of how easier it has gotten to submit to his suggestions. It's definitely gets easier submitn to someone you are absolutely in love with.Requoting Niyi,-The Bible says "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church...." -my Mr actually said that was the passage that convinced him to ask me out. As his pastor preached on that verse, he pondered on it and realized that I was the only lady he could love as Christ loved the church; an absolutely selfless way of showing love.
Note that it did not say as the church loved Christ. Though I strongly believe in mutual submission, it takes a lot for that to happen simultaeneously.So you do your part as Christ did and pray your act of submission penetrates deep into your lover's heart.

Huggies FG!

Favoured Girl said...

@Eminie: Thanks! Funny enough I have thought about going into some sort of relationship counselling. I'll keep praying about it. I think I need more wisdom and experience though.

@Moments: True, a lot of women don't like the message of submission. I'll pop round to your blog to read your next installment.

@Anonymous: Awwwwww

~Mimi~ said...

i totally understand you o my dear sister! I had the same dilemma too thinking when does submission really start??I mean if I don't learn to submit now and I say on the day I get married my submission will start, I am only deceiving myself because it will not be that easy to switch on and off especially since we are in the 21st century and it is independence we hear about i was talking to God about it and he explained to me that as he is not yet my husband, he doesn't have that covering over me as my father does, but practice makes perfect and since i trust that he is for me, we can discuss things that i would normally call personal like finances...and obviously he advices me a lot on things and i listen to him as his advice is very sound which only went further to prove to me that he was man enough for me!
obviously from time to time i think, what is it sef, we are not yet married, but i always keep that attitude under check as it might be a problem later on.
and about not listening and him being right at the end of the true!!!and my boyfriend, he will only tell me so many times, when he sees I am adamant on doing my own thang, he will let it be and when i come back like a remorseful child, he'd just smile and i'd feel like a child!lol.
anyway great post sha, considerin we come from the same spiritual 'roots' (private joke), i guess we were groomed well. lol.

Lee said...

I feel you completely; this is something a lot of modern day women suffer from..I have heard many men complain about this issue.
Yeah I understand it should be mutual, but ain't that our duties as women?
There is one philosophy I live by:
"I was born to serve" and it has kinda become a part of me, the only thing I ask from a man back is mutual respect and submission.
Its not easy,but it CAN be done. It takes a lot of humility to submit oneself and I believe that if a woman can do that and she finds the right man, that man will appreciate her for who and what she is.

Go ahead and preach it..As always very inspiring..


lovely page

Virtue said...

I absolutely enjoyed this post! It was well written and I agree that the issue of submission is a big issue with women! As a young Christian woman, I'm still trying to understand what it truly means to submit because I personally I'm against foolish submission and I say this because sometimes as women we need wisdom to know when to draw the line. I've heard of women that don't serve God the way they want because some man told them to sit home and not go to church, for me, I can't do that - so submission as to be done in wisdom and prayerfully - God will help us all as we are all fearfully and wonderfully made :)

Stay blessed!

PS: Thanks for the comment on my post on the book - becoming a woman of His dreams - i'm still trying to finish the book

Smoothvibes said...

Hmm tough one!

I remember talking abt this same topic with my girl friend. I was doubting that I could ever submit to a guy.

I was raised by my single mom and I didn't really get to see how a "normal" family should interact. I've grown into my own person and I'm very independent. Now to say that I'll have to throw all my "take -charge' attitude to the wind to submit to a guy is just TOTAL grace. ( especially when I already have a Big mouth)

It's something I pray about daily.. I'll just have to say submission also comes with maturity and understanding of why we as women, have to submit.

Hopefully someday, I'll fully understand why I need to sumit and Love him that it wouldn't be such a big deal.

God help us all!

dairy of a G said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fabulo-la said... u subit only to ur husband n not to your bf then??? abi are there levels?

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