Monday, December 18

Getting What I Want

Sometimes my friends ask me what attracted me to hubby. Did I get everything I wanted in a man? Did he meet all my expectations of "husband material"? What's important and what's not? These questions are of course dependent on individual choices. But we should have a good idea of what we want.

One day my church organised a singles meeting which I attended. We were asked to do several exercises. One of them was to write out what attributes we desired in our future partner. We all wrote our answers on paper and gave them to the woman leading the meeting. She read some of them out. There was stuff like rich, handsome, charismatic, tall, cute etc. She almost laughed at all of us. She said that we had obvoiusly not given it much thought. Where were our priorities? We were thinking of the superficial stuff, not thinking about what really brings lasting joy, peace and satisfaction in a relationship. Whatever happened to characteristics like God-fearing, disciplined, focused, reliable, honest, hardworking, caring, responsible, kind, committed, gentle, self-controlled, mature, respectful etc....? She tore up our lists and asked us to write new ones, and this time we should think before we just wrote some random things that popped into our heads. The second time we submitted our lists, our priorites seemed to have changed. LOL.

That meeting got me thinking though. I realised that I had to define what was really important to me, and what I could compromise on. Each of us at that meeting had to. Truthfully, before I met Mr I just had a very hazy picture in my head of what I wanted in a man. I had decided I wanted my husband to be like my dad - someone kind, generous and funny. He would have to be as educated as I was, because I enjoy meaningful and stimulating conversations. I wanted a God-fearing man because I knew it would have to be a man willing to wait till we got married before I slept with him. I knew I wanted someone I could trust, someone that I could rely on, and someone who would be my best friend. These were things I knew I could not compromise on. Things like the car he drove, the brand of clothes and perfume he wore, the schools he went to or the amount of money he had, I could easily compromise on. As per physical attributes, I thought I wanted someone 'tall, dark and handsome'. LOL, I guess I read too many Mills and Boon novels when I was a teenager. I put these ideas into prayers. Actually I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. I thank God that He knew my needs and met them. I actually got a better deal than I had imagined in my mind. I am not saying hubby is perfect, none of us is. But he is God's perfect choice for me.


Now I didn't get everything on my wishlist. He is not 'tall, dark and handsome' the way I had imagined my husband would be. He is not yet as 'rich' as I would have wanted him to be. But my superficial judgement melted away as I got to know more of him. First, it was his confidence that attracted me. From the minute I met him, he exuded some natural aura about him that just draws people. Second, he made me feel good about myself. Third he was so easy to talk to. When we are talking, the conversation flows so easily even when we are not agreeing. Fourth, he didn't try to 'buy' or bribe me to like him by sending me loads of gifts, he just allowed me to get to know him for who he is. Fifth, he is a cheerful person, he knows how to cheer me up when issues are weighing on my mind. Sixth, he is driven and motivated, and he knows what he wants and he is willing to work to get it. And of course, he is a Godfearing, christian man. These initial attributes made me like him at the start. As time went on, I found out more and more about him that mirrored my deepest heart desires. One thing I realised after I had been going out with him for a few months was that he always brings out the best in me. And that is what a man is supposed to do for his woman. (Any guy that brings out the worst in me is definitely not Mr Right!)

Now the second half of this exercise at the singles meeting. After we had written our proper lists, the woman leading the meeting asked us a question. What kind of woman do you think the guy with all the attributes you have written would go for? Are you his type? If you have written that you want a guy that is hardworking, bear in mind that he is not likely to want a lazy wife. Or if you desire a man that is responsible and caring, realise that he is likely to be attracted to a responsible and caring girl as well! You as the lady, would have to step-up to meet his high standards. Then she asked us to write our own attributes that we think a guy would desire in us. (Gosh, more thinking for us to do). This time we took a lot longer to write our lists. Things like tall, sexy, cute and pretty didn't come into it. This made us realise that we had to be as good as what we desired. So when I met Mr, I asked him what attributes he desired most in his woman. He mentioned a few things. Some I could meet easily and some I am still working on. Thank God he was willing to compromise too (:-)

16 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Niyi said...

TP,
Great, Great write-up! One of your many statements I liked is "Actually, I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. But now I thank God that He knew my needs and met them".

As you alluded to, it is very important to really think about the qualities in a person that will be very crucial during all the seasons of marriage (good and bad times).

I love this verse, "Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting but the woman that fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov.31:30)- Great verse for us guys.. lol. God help us.

I really enjoy reading this blog. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am sure it is blessing many people including me.

Have a great Christmas. God will grant you and your husband increase in every way and perfect all that concerns you. Also, have a great year ahead.

Anonymous said...

Wow... excellent write-up.

**taking notes**

didi said...

Im really taking notes.u really inspire me despite the fact that u r younger than i am.we should always ask God for His perfect will not His permissive will in our lives

Anonymous said...

hmmm... very true! Nie post as usual..

Taking notes!

Merry Xmas!

Anonymous said...

Taking notes, thanks much! I believe God is still working on me to make me a better woman when the right man finds me :)

9ja Opeke said...

We (ladies) have a list of our ideal man, or need I say - Mr. Perfect . We fail to realise that the only perfect one is Jesus . We can't find the qualities in a man, that we don't have...if you want a rich man...go ahead, get rich yourself. Birds of the same feather flock together . Don't get me wrong, I am not saying only the rich ones get the rich ones...you will definately have something common that bring this two soul together. I personally stopped looking...I began to start working on ME! . I need to discover who I am and then what I want.
I am single for a purpose...I take every experience I face with the opposite sex as a way to move forward and show people who we are in Christ Jesus. Every heart break makes me strong...And I can only Thank God for each experience. Each broken road leads me straight to the ONE (smile) Thank you TP for sharing this testimony of not only your Journey down the aisle, but you truly finding who you are in Christ...God bless you!
Keep sharing...

Vera Ezimora said...

TP, sometimes I just wish I could look in2 the future and see who God has stored 4 me. That would eliminate all the yeye relationships and break-ups...and all that stress that one does not need.

Happy married life, gal! And merry Christmas.

Nilla said...

I just read this post (cos I saw it nominated as "Most Thought Provoking Post" for Blogger awards-naija version)...and the previous one before it and Girl I like what you write.

Will be back to read all your previous posts (don't know how many months its going to take me though...lol)
Happy holidays!

chainreader said...

thank you, girl. you know how to say just what we need to hear. what's IN a man is so much more important than what we see on the outside. and what he brings out of you, the way he makes you feel about yourself, that's the real stuff.

blog on, girl. blog on!

jadedKiss said...

I'm going to read all the comments again, but i jus have to say i LOVED that.
To echo everybody else, i'm taking notes oh!

Anonymous said...

WORD WORD WORD! sister u are REALLY talking sense. Flesh and blood has not revealed that to you. But thank God for wisdom.

omonaikee said...

hi, your simple sincerity comes across in ur posts. it also nice that ur heart is sensitive to God and doing the rite things.i wrote on something similar in my blog but its nice to read ur point of view.keep it up

omonaikee said...

hi, your simple sincerity comes across in ur posts. it also nice that ur heart is sensitive to God and doing the rite things.i wrote on something similar in my blog but its nice to read ur point of view.keep it up

Anonymous said...

wow,this is really an eye opener for me.
As I am looking forward to God's choice for me,I have never for once asked myself if I could be good enuf or have attributes a man cud want in me(You knw what ?gonna have to work towards that,a better me,lol),you knw we tend to look at someone else's back but we cant see ours...

God help me..well done,I am enjoying this ur posts.

rahabmemoirs said...

tolu, am replying to this post, thanks so much for linking me to this post. God bless you, am keeping it in mind.

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