Saturday, January 6

Positive Changes (1)

I mentioned in the "Getting what I want" post, about how Mr tries to bring out the best in me. I have to admit, this is not an easy process! Why? Because it sometimes involves him pointing out my faults. Funny enough it is always easier to see the faults in other people than in ourselves. When we started going out, I thought everything was fine and I was faultless. I would never see how I was wrong whenever we had an argument. But I now know that I have my faults as well. And it is the person closest to me that should point these faults out to me, and challenge me to work on them. This process is never ending though. The first time Mr pointed out one of my faults was a bit of a shock.

One day, during a conversation with Mr, he suddenly stopped and said I had just been trying to manipulate him. I was like "What? when? how?!" and demanded an immediate explanation. He said that I sometimes try to twist his arm to get what I want. By the time he finished pointing out what I had said and done on several occassions, it was clear to me that indeed I was twisting his arm. I was so surprised. I had never thought that I was capable of manipulating somebody. So I had been doing it unconsciously! I asked him how he knew. Apparently it's something that we ladies do a lot. He explained to me that he was used to getting those emotional blackmail stuff from his aunts and friends so he had learnt to recognise and ignore it. And he told me that if I wanted something, I should just come out and say it directly, instead of twisting it and then later blaming him for not getting the hint.
(((He mentioned one occassion, when I wanted to get my hair done but I was broke. Instead of asking him directly to help me out, I had been giving him some attitude throughout that day. When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine". Then I started sulking. Then I became angry. He had suspected that I wanted something from him, but since I was not being straightforward he wasn't going fall for my tricks. He would wait for me to come out and say it. Well, eventually I did and he helped me out))).
That was a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I did have some faults in me then. That hurt my pride a bit though. It can be really hard to take criticism from someone, even if they mean well or they are only trying to help.
I also realised that I didn't want a man that I could manipulate after all. I won't respect my man if I could control him under my thumb. I want a real man, someone who has a mind of his own. True, we may not always agree, but that means I usually get to see things from another perspective. So I told him to always point it out to me if I was beginning to manipulate him again. And since then I have been able to recognise it and stop myself.

9 comments:

Nilla said...

Nice post!

chainreader said...

one of the reasons why i love my bf is that i've learnt to say "i'm sorry" and to accept that i am often wrong. like you, i thought i was always in the right, but somehow, this relationship has changed me. i think that's a cool thing.

i don't know why, but i have to repeat myself! i love your blog! now i can go.

Ajike said...

you are certainly right girl... some of us are use to asking things indirectly and been manipulative, which is not always a good idea. My boyfriend moans whenever am indirect. I'm working on it sha. Thanks for the insight...

Smoothvibes said...

You're terribly right.... I can be VERY manipulative too...

I just recently realised how selfish I was and how things always had to go my way or I would raise hell... I'm working on these flaws..

As always.. Nice post!

azuka said...

Wow!

This seems to be very common among women, hence the rule of never telling one she's wrong.

That hair story's really hilarious.

I hope you do point out some of his faults too. Tit for tat, eh?

Dimples said...

Nice one...everytime I read your blog..I learn something new...which by the Grace of God..shall help me out in the future and in my walk in life.

Thanks hun!!!

NaijaBloke said...

Mehn u r such a darling for this post ..women never agree to been manipulative o ..chie .. I always act the way ur husband does o ..I wont even ja u any face until u come out with what is wrong with u..and I have also noticed that most women always dont like it when their partners come out and tell them their faults as well ..

Lee said...

Jeez!! Im almost crying now. I think I'm suffering for that and thats why thats why thats why...
Its hard..
I NEED to do something about it this weekend and tell him.:-(
This post has been an eye opener. Thanks a lot. and I mean it sincerely.

Cheers gurl.

Anonymous said...

well, wonderful blog, i have learnt a lot, weldone!
However in this particular section theres something i don't know if i agree with. I don't think it's healthy in a relationship if all you always do is point at each other's fault. SOmetimes what we think is "fault" in somebody is just their personality, which doesn't sit well with us - i.e. different personality from us, so we think it's the person's "weakness" or "fault". One of the reasons I left my relationship a year ago was that I felt the guy did not appreciate who I am- although he was so nice and lovely and thought highly of me, however, I felt he did not appreciate me for who I am. I did not and I will never blame him for it because we had veeeery different personalities so what is good for the gooe is not always good for the gender - that is to say, he didn't like some of my personality and I dint like some of his' but they are things that shouldn't be changed. e.g. things like - you like to talk, must you always contribute wen they ask..." etc. Now to him, that was a weakness in me, but to me, it was, and it is still a strength of mine and I don't plan on compromising that side of me for any man. I believe the one for you will bring out the best in you (as you rightly pointed). The right one for me encourages me to be more vocal(albeit in a sensible way and within reason) and this has led to my job in broadcasting.
I don't think that someone bringing out the best of u should always have to do with them pointing out your faults. I think they best way to bring out the best of someone is to fuel their passion and encourage their positives. Obviously the negative shouldn't be ignored, it should also be pointed out but someone's negative sides is not always a fault. It's just the way they are. I would say to anyone that if a man is constantly "bringing out the best" in you by pointing your faults or criticising then you should question why you are still with him!

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