One thing I have touched on before, is the idea of having mentors. I think I should write a bit more about it, since it is so important. The idea of having a mentor might seem weird at first. Nobody wants to feel like their relationship or their decisions are influenced by some external party. Then there is the issue of confidentiality - how do you trust that the person (s) will keep your gist confidential? Or how about trusting that they won't later use that information against you. And how can you guarantee that they will not be partial in their advice to you and your partner? All these are valid concerns. I still believe though, that for any young person in a Christian dating relationship, having Christian mentors is really important.
In my case, when I first started dating Mr, I realised that going to my friends for advice was not helping, in fact it was making things worse. My friends were well meaning people, but at the time, they were just as unwise and as immature as I was. I soon realised a few things: my friends couldn't give me better advice than I could give myself, most times they only said what I wanted to hear, they always took my side even when I was wrong, and at the time none of them had been in a long-term committed relationship so their knowledge was severely limited. After Mr and I had had two arguments early in the relationship and advice from friends was getting me nowhere, I decided to go somewhere else.
I started speaking to my aunt instead. I was quite close to her so she was the easiest person (in the absence of my mum) that I could discuss with. I thought, since she has been happily married for more than 20 years, she must know a thing or two about making relationships work! I found out that when I talked to her, she always made me see things from a point of view I would never have thought about. Even though she was my aunt, she was very impartial. Unlike my friends, she was not afraid to tell me bluntly if I was in the wrong. She taught me so many things: keeping myself from losing my temper during an argument, putting my issues into prayers, expressing to Mr that I love him, how to practice submission, avoiding sexual temptations and so on. Sometimes when I just wanted to get a load of stuff off my chest, she would sit down and listen to me. Afterwards she would advice me and we would pray together. As time went on, I became wiser and started recognising what I had been doing wrong. Now I'll always be grateful for her guidance.
Later on, I got close to a couple in my church and they became my official mentors. I used to admire their relationship so much. They were always smiling at each other and I could tell that they were very good friends. I became close to them after we were put on the same table at a wedding reception. They were teasing me that I was next. Thereafter, they asked about my relationship and how it was going and we started gisting. I liked the fact that even though they were older than me, they were still young at heart and they could come down to my level.
Over time, I learnt so much from them as well. They were very honest and open, there was no topic that we didn't discuss. We talked about everything: from facing sexual temptations to dealing with in-laws to managing finances and their funny experience on their wedding night. Some of the stories they told me about their courtship were hilarious. Mr got to know them too and he liked them at once. Whenever I saw them we always had fun talking. I still try to keep in touch with them now cos they helped me so much.
I think mentors have a role to play in helping young people with relationships. Having mentors really helped me and that's why I think they are so important. They can fulfil the role of giving you practical advice. They can speak from their own experience. They can correct you if they think you are making a mistake. They will look out for you and pray with you. I also think it is the best way of passing down wisdom from one generation to the other.
Choosing a mentor can be quite difficult though. Ideally you should choose a couple, so that you can hear from both points of view. They should be people you look up to and admire. They should be happily married, who have successfully gone through all the stages you are currently going through and have stayed together. Choose people you can see or speak to on a regular basis so that you can keep in touch easily. And choose people who are not biased so they can be impartial in their opinions.
And above all, trust God to lead you because human beings can only say what they know, but God knows everything.
Friday, April 6
Wednesday, March 14
Submission
Here's one prickly topic with today's modern woman, including me. When I first heard a message on women respecting and submitting to their husbands, I thought to myself, "What?! I hope I don't have to deal with this anytime soon" and I promptly pushed it out of my mind. Well you know what, I got into a relationship and got engaged. Sooner or later, the topic came up again one Sunday in church. This time it was the pastor's wife preaching. She used herself as an example, and told us a story. When she and her husband were engaged, they visited an older friend who was advising them. He then asked her some questions: Do you love this man? She said yes. Do you trust this man? She said yes. Will you obey this man? She frowned. Their friend said to her, "No matter how much you trust and love someone, you are not ready for marriage until you can learn to submit and obey your husband".
Now as she was preaching, she said it took her almost 10 years, but her marriage became much better once she learned to submit to her husband. Someone asked, why did it take you so long? She said it is because submission is not a natural thing to do. We all want to feel like we are in control of our decisions. As a child growing up, we learn to rebel against authority. Imagine now, as you are finally an adult capable of handling your affairs, you are now being told that you have to submit to your husband's authority over you. Of course, your natural instinct is to rebel and disobey. So it took a lot of time, hard work and prayers before she learnt to tame her rebellious nature.
This time, the message hit home for me. At the time Mr and I were now serious about the future of our relationship. We had also just had an argument and I hadn't been willing to back down. Now I realised that I couldn't ignore the matter of submission anymore if I wanted a happy, peaceful relationship. But I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would have to submit to someone. I thought to myself and came up with some difficult questions. How do you submit to someone without becoming a doormat? How do you submit while still having a say in matters that come up? How are you sure that the guy won't use submission as an excuse to bully you? And how do I know when to submit and when to stick to my argument when I'm convinced that I'm correct?
I remember having a discussion with my christian friends over this topic. It seemed that they were even more resistant to the word than I was. One of them said that it is lazy women who don't want to take responsibility for their lives that hide under the umbrella of submission. Another one said that she doesn't believe that her man should have a say in her affairs at all, such as her finances. I was quite surprised actually. Yes before marriage your boyfriend has no business controlling your finances. But then won't it be important after marriage and he has become the husband? When do you start practicing submission?
There are no simple answers. So I went back to my bible. I saw that it was not really optional. The command was for husbands to LOVE their wives, and wives should RESPECT and SUBMIT to their husbands. I found some books and teachings on the subject and read them thoughtfully. Slowly I began to comprehend the subject. I understood that it did not mean 1) a violation of my rights as a human person; 2) it does not mean for me to submit to my husband’s desires blindly, totally, and completely because his desires may be unreasonable 3) it does not mean I'm to be treated like someone unable to make mature judgment. Actually the scripture talked about mutual submission. That meant both of us had to bestow equal amount of love and respect to each other. That meant that we both had to be completely unselfish when we want to get our point across. What it meant was that being a woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions, but I should recognise that I had someone who was capable of making selfless decisions for my welfare on my behalf. If I trust him to be a God-fearing, sensible, caring, and loving man, then I can safely submit to him, knowing that he will put my best interests before his own. I asked my happily married aunt for advice. She also told me that it was when she was most submissive to her husband that he was most loving to her. So those commandments of Paul in Ephesians must go together. You cannot submit to someone who doesn't show you love. Of course that meant that my choice of husband must be the right man. He must be the kind of man that I have confidence in. He must be the kind of man that I can trust completely. He must be a reasonable, selfless man. Who wants to submit to a loser or a creep? So if I can't imagine myself submitting to my boyfriend, perhaps it's best not to marry him. If my husband was being selfish and unreasonable, he cannot expect me to submit to him. I would be more willing to submit if I knew his motives were for our mutual benefit.
Still it is very hard. Knowing something in your head is very different from putting it into practice. My pride sometimes gets in the way. There are so many examples of times when my fiance has suggested something and I did not listen. Only for me to reaslise much later that he was right all along and I was wrong. Then I would feel bad for not listening right from the beginning. And I would ask God to help me again and again. It's not easy but I'm learning.
To read an article on submission, click HERE
To be continued....
Now as she was preaching, she said it took her almost 10 years, but her marriage became much better once she learned to submit to her husband. Someone asked, why did it take you so long? She said it is because submission is not a natural thing to do. We all want to feel like we are in control of our decisions. As a child growing up, we learn to rebel against authority. Imagine now, as you are finally an adult capable of handling your affairs, you are now being told that you have to submit to your husband's authority over you. Of course, your natural instinct is to rebel and disobey. So it took a lot of time, hard work and prayers before she learnt to tame her rebellious nature.
This time, the message hit home for me. At the time Mr and I were now serious about the future of our relationship. We had also just had an argument and I hadn't been willing to back down. Now I realised that I couldn't ignore the matter of submission anymore if I wanted a happy, peaceful relationship. But I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would have to submit to someone. I thought to myself and came up with some difficult questions. How do you submit to someone without becoming a doormat? How do you submit while still having a say in matters that come up? How are you sure that the guy won't use submission as an excuse to bully you? And how do I know when to submit and when to stick to my argument when I'm convinced that I'm correct?
I remember having a discussion with my christian friends over this topic. It seemed that they were even more resistant to the word than I was. One of them said that it is lazy women who don't want to take responsibility for their lives that hide under the umbrella of submission. Another one said that she doesn't believe that her man should have a say in her affairs at all, such as her finances. I was quite surprised actually. Yes before marriage your boyfriend has no business controlling your finances. But then won't it be important after marriage and he has become the husband? When do you start practicing submission?
There are no simple answers. So I went back to my bible. I saw that it was not really optional. The command was for husbands to LOVE their wives, and wives should RESPECT and SUBMIT to their husbands. I found some books and teachings on the subject and read them thoughtfully. Slowly I began to comprehend the subject. I understood that it did not mean 1) a violation of my rights as a human person; 2) it does not mean for me to submit to my husband’s desires blindly, totally, and completely because his desires may be unreasonable 3) it does not mean I'm to be treated like someone unable to make mature judgment. Actually the scripture talked about mutual submission. That meant both of us had to bestow equal amount of love and respect to each other. That meant that we both had to be completely unselfish when we want to get our point across. What it meant was that being a woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions, but I should recognise that I had someone who was capable of making selfless decisions for my welfare on my behalf. If I trust him to be a God-fearing, sensible, caring, and loving man, then I can safely submit to him, knowing that he will put my best interests before his own. I asked my happily married aunt for advice. She also told me that it was when she was most submissive to her husband that he was most loving to her. So those commandments of Paul in Ephesians must go together. You cannot submit to someone who doesn't show you love. Of course that meant that my choice of husband must be the right man. He must be the kind of man that I have confidence in. He must be the kind of man that I can trust completely. He must be a reasonable, selfless man. Who wants to submit to a loser or a creep? So if I can't imagine myself submitting to my boyfriend, perhaps it's best not to marry him. If my husband was being selfish and unreasonable, he cannot expect me to submit to him. I would be more willing to submit if I knew his motives were for our mutual benefit.
Still it is very hard. Knowing something in your head is very different from putting it into practice. My pride sometimes gets in the way. There are so many examples of times when my fiance has suggested something and I did not listen. Only for me to reaslise much later that he was right all along and I was wrong. Then I would feel bad for not listening right from the beginning. And I would ask God to help me again and again. It's not easy but I'm learning.
To read an article on submission, click HERE
To be continued....
Saturday, March 3
Meeting Dad
By this time, most of my family knew I was in a serious relationship. Except my dad. (A little background info: My dad and I have always had a close relationship. He's such a cool guy. Even when my friends meet him, they go "your dad is so cool" and I agree. He has always treated me like an adult and he respects my opinions. We talk and argue about anything. I remember my dad telling me when I was younger not to have a boyfriend until I was 20! LOL, I guess he was just trying to protect his little girl)
I was not in a hurry to introduce any guy to him until I was sure he was the right one. I was a bit nervous. Funny enough, my dad never seemed to mind when he met my guy friends. But I was worried about how he would react to my boyfriend. I knew it was now time though. After Mr proposed and I was now engaged, I asked my mum for advise on how to break the news to dad. She suggested that it was better face-to-face rather than over the phone. So I should wait until he was around, and he could meet the boyfriend. As God would have it, dad was coming for my graduation ceremony in December that year. Since I wanted Mr to be part of the ceremony, he was going to have to meet dad then. The day my parents arrived, I told my dad I wanted him to meet someone. The conversation went like this:
Me: Daddy there's someone I'd like you to meet.
Dad: Who?
Me: My boyfriend
Dad: Your what?
Me: Dad, he's not just any boyfreind
Dad: I see, what kind of boyfriend?
Me: He's my serious boyfriend
Dad: How serious?
Me: Serious enough for me to want to introduce him to you
Dad: How long have you known him?
Me: Almost two years
Dad: Two years!
Me: Well he's been my boyfriend for just over a year now
Dad: But you've only just graduated. Has he been distracting you from your studies?
Me: Not at all Daddy. He's actually been very supportive
Dad: I see
Me: Dad, just meet him first and give him a chance. I'm sure you'll like him
Dad: I'm not sure.
Me: Ok if you don't like him I'll take that on board. But you have to meet him first
Dad: He's trying to take my baby girl from me.
Me: Nooooo he's not! I'll always be your baby girl
Dad: Okay so when am I meeting him?
Me: Well I want him to be at my graduation ceremony so can you meet him before then?
Dad: This is serious. Ok tell him to come on Thursday.
Me: (hugs dad) Thanks dad! I'll tell him right away.
I ran to tell Mr that my dad wanted to meet him. The guy was a bit nervous. Just a bit... lol. I told him to be himself and he'll be fine. Thursday came and Mr came round to meet my parents. I was glad my mum had met him before this, otherwise it would have been even more nerve-wracking for the poor guy. As they settled down to talk, I left the room and left Mr on his own. After a while my dad called me and said I should see him out. On the way back to his car, I asked Mr what he and my dad had talked about. He said it was 'man-talk' so I wasn't meant to hear. I ran back inside to hear the verdict. Mum was smiling ear to ear. Dad looked thoughtful. I asked dad what he thought. He just said "He's a nice, responsible young man". I said "I'll take that to mean you liked him then." And that was it.
Some days later, it was my graduation ceremony. I remember turning round to wave to my parents in the auditorium and seeing Mr sitting beside them talking to my mum. And that was it, just like that he had been accepted as a member of the family. I was sooo pleased. Later on when we were taking photographs, my dad jokingly asked Mr if it was okay for him to hold my hand. My friends could not believe their eyes when they saw Mr sitting confidently with my dad. They came to ask me how I did it. I remember one of them telling me that she was dreading the day she would introduce her boyfriend to her dad too. I told her to get her mum on her side, that seemed to help. I'm just glad that the meeting went well and my dad liked him at once. So that major hurdle was over.
I was not in a hurry to introduce any guy to him until I was sure he was the right one. I was a bit nervous. Funny enough, my dad never seemed to mind when he met my guy friends. But I was worried about how he would react to my boyfriend. I knew it was now time though. After Mr proposed and I was now engaged, I asked my mum for advise on how to break the news to dad. She suggested that it was better face-to-face rather than over the phone. So I should wait until he was around, and he could meet the boyfriend. As God would have it, dad was coming for my graduation ceremony in December that year. Since I wanted Mr to be part of the ceremony, he was going to have to meet dad then. The day my parents arrived, I told my dad I wanted him to meet someone. The conversation went like this:
Me: Daddy there's someone I'd like you to meet.
Dad: Who?
Me: My boyfriend
Dad: Your what?
Me: Dad, he's not just any boyfreind
Dad: I see, what kind of boyfriend?
Me: He's my serious boyfriend
Dad: How serious?
Me: Serious enough for me to want to introduce him to you
Dad: How long have you known him?
Me: Almost two years
Dad: Two years!
Me: Well he's been my boyfriend for just over a year now
Dad: But you've only just graduated. Has he been distracting you from your studies?
Me: Not at all Daddy. He's actually been very supportive
Dad: I see
Me: Dad, just meet him first and give him a chance. I'm sure you'll like him
Dad: I'm not sure.
Me: Ok if you don't like him I'll take that on board. But you have to meet him first
Dad: He's trying to take my baby girl from me.
Me: Nooooo he's not! I'll always be your baby girl
Dad: Okay so when am I meeting him?
Me: Well I want him to be at my graduation ceremony so can you meet him before then?
Dad: This is serious. Ok tell him to come on Thursday.
Me: (hugs dad) Thanks dad! I'll tell him right away.
I ran to tell Mr that my dad wanted to meet him. The guy was a bit nervous. Just a bit... lol. I told him to be himself and he'll be fine. Thursday came and Mr came round to meet my parents. I was glad my mum had met him before this, otherwise it would have been even more nerve-wracking for the poor guy. As they settled down to talk, I left the room and left Mr on his own. After a while my dad called me and said I should see him out. On the way back to his car, I asked Mr what he and my dad had talked about. He said it was 'man-talk' so I wasn't meant to hear. I ran back inside to hear the verdict. Mum was smiling ear to ear. Dad looked thoughtful. I asked dad what he thought. He just said "He's a nice, responsible young man". I said "I'll take that to mean you liked him then." And that was it.
Some days later, it was my graduation ceremony. I remember turning round to wave to my parents in the auditorium and seeing Mr sitting beside them talking to my mum. And that was it, just like that he had been accepted as a member of the family. I was sooo pleased. Later on when we were taking photographs, my dad jokingly asked Mr if it was okay for him to hold my hand. My friends could not believe their eyes when they saw Mr sitting confidently with my dad. They came to ask me how I did it. I remember one of them telling me that she was dreading the day she would introduce her boyfriend to her dad too. I told her to get her mum on her side, that seemed to help. I'm just glad that the meeting went well and my dad liked him at once. So that major hurdle was over.
Wednesday, February 28
Temptations
I just thought I should use a tantalising title... wink ;-) no not really.
Okay I mentioned in one of my past posts (here) that I was going to talk more about abstaining. At the beginning of our relationship, Mr had told me that he would respect my decision to wait until we were married before having sex. I was really pleased that he was supportive and willing to help me. We both had a duty to help the other person to stay pure. At the time, both of us hadn't had very long abstinence relationships, so we didn't know what lay in store for us. We just started and let things take their course. As time went on though, we realised we had to come up with ideas on how we would not to get tempted to take things too far. As you know, it is one heck of a slippery road to keep your body under control when you are in a loving relationship.
I remember attending a few singles' seminars. No matter what topics are discussed, whenever there is a question and answer session, the question of "how far should you go before marriage?" always comes up. And whenever the topic of physical stuff in relationships comes up, there is usually a hot debate. Some people think everything you do is fine, as long as you don't have sex. Some people think even kissing is wrong. And then there are people like me who are in-between. So what's the verdict? Can we hug? Kiss? Make out? There are still no definitive answers. For me, I thought kissing was okay, but we just had to be very careful not to get carried away.
The first year of our relationship was great. I was learning and discovering so much that we didn't get too physical, nothing more than hugs and kisses. I was learning to trust Mr too, and I really respect him for not pushing me to go further than I wanted to. After we got engaged, it seemed things got much harder. We had been going out hugging and kissing for a year and naturally our bodies wanted more. At first we ignored it. But it became more and more obvious to us that we had to do something, otherwise we would slip. So we tried everything. We limited the number of time we saw each other each week. Nope, that didn't help. We decided not to visit each other at home. Well that didn't work too cos we could still hang out in his car or at the cinema. We stopped seeing other on weekends, and saw each other at weekdays. Still had issues with controlling our body's desires.
At the end of the day, we had to come to our own decision. So in a moment of "wisdom" we decided we would stop kissing. Maybe that would give us some relief. Well it did last us a couple of months. It was good to go back to basics again like before we started going out. And it was like rediscovering that we had things to do and stuff to talk about. Those months were great! Did it last long? Hmmm... a bit. We kissed twice in three months. But then held on for a few more months. Eventually we gave up and actually prayed to God to help us cos we couldn't resist the temptations on our own strength alone anymore. This is where some Bible passages came in handy: Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT. So now when my friends ask me now how we managed to stay three years without sex, I just say it was God that helped us.
Oh I must add that my mentors helped me a great deal too. Every once in a while, they would call me to ask how our relationship was progressing and then reiterate about the benefits of remaining pure before marriage. That often encouraged me. One of my uncles also had a girlfriend for 10 YEARS before they got married. When they told me they abstained for that long, my jaw dropped. And then I thought, if they can do it, then so can I. It still wasn't easy, but it made me feel more positive about achieving it.
Okay I mentioned in one of my past posts (here) that I was going to talk more about abstaining. At the beginning of our relationship, Mr had told me that he would respect my decision to wait until we were married before having sex. I was really pleased that he was supportive and willing to help me. We both had a duty to help the other person to stay pure. At the time, both of us hadn't had very long abstinence relationships, so we didn't know what lay in store for us. We just started and let things take their course. As time went on though, we realised we had to come up with ideas on how we would not to get tempted to take things too far. As you know, it is one heck of a slippery road to keep your body under control when you are in a loving relationship.
I remember attending a few singles' seminars. No matter what topics are discussed, whenever there is a question and answer session, the question of "how far should you go before marriage?" always comes up. And whenever the topic of physical stuff in relationships comes up, there is usually a hot debate. Some people think everything you do is fine, as long as you don't have sex. Some people think even kissing is wrong. And then there are people like me who are in-between. So what's the verdict? Can we hug? Kiss? Make out? There are still no definitive answers. For me, I thought kissing was okay, but we just had to be very careful not to get carried away.
The first year of our relationship was great. I was learning and discovering so much that we didn't get too physical, nothing more than hugs and kisses. I was learning to trust Mr too, and I really respect him for not pushing me to go further than I wanted to. After we got engaged, it seemed things got much harder. We had been going out hugging and kissing for a year and naturally our bodies wanted more. At first we ignored it. But it became more and more obvious to us that we had to do something, otherwise we would slip. So we tried everything. We limited the number of time we saw each other each week. Nope, that didn't help. We decided not to visit each other at home. Well that didn't work too cos we could still hang out in his car or at the cinema. We stopped seeing other on weekends, and saw each other at weekdays. Still had issues with controlling our body's desires.
At the end of the day, we had to come to our own decision. So in a moment of "wisdom" we decided we would stop kissing. Maybe that would give us some relief. Well it did last us a couple of months. It was good to go back to basics again like before we started going out. And it was like rediscovering that we had things to do and stuff to talk about. Those months were great! Did it last long? Hmmm... a bit. We kissed twice in three months. But then held on for a few more months. Eventually we gave up and actually prayed to God to help us cos we couldn't resist the temptations on our own strength alone anymore. This is where some Bible passages came in handy: Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT. So now when my friends ask me now how we managed to stay three years without sex, I just say it was God that helped us.
Oh I must add that my mentors helped me a great deal too. Every once in a while, they would call me to ask how our relationship was progressing and then reiterate about the benefits of remaining pure before marriage. That often encouraged me. One of my uncles also had a girlfriend for 10 YEARS before they got married. When they told me they abstained for that long, my jaw dropped. And then I thought, if they can do it, then so can I. It still wasn't easy, but it made me feel more positive about achieving it.
Tuesday, February 20
Spreading the News
To say that the event that had just happened to me was a surprise would be an understatement. I was so unaware of what Mr had been planning. It was after the whole thing, that I started noticing clues. A week before, my cousin was asking me when I thought my boyfriend would propose and I told her, I didn't think he would propose till two years time! Meanwhile he had asked her to help him find a ring! LOL. I also remembered him checking my fingers and commenting that they were very slim. At the time he had been trying to judge my ring size but I hadn't suspected! And then I also remembered meeting his siter-in-law in church a week earleir and she had practically begged me to come for the party. And on the way to the party, my uncle was grumbling something like, "they should come to us, we shouldn't go to them..." I also remember him bugging me to give him my mum's number because he wanted to ask her something, and I had told him to tell me what he wanted to ask her but he wouldn't. Now it all added up. I'm glad I didn't guess though because I would have spoilt the surprise. I'm sure no lady wants to ruin the moment when her boyfriend asks her to marry him.
As soon as we left the party I called Mr. I teased him endlessly and asked him how he set the whole show up. He was blushing as he told me how he had planned it with his brothers and my family, how the party was a cover-up, how he had chosen the ring with my cousin, and persuaded my uncle to bring me. Awwwww..
The next day was a Sunday. As an usher, I smile when I welcome people, but it seemed everyone noticed that I was smiling even more that morning. My pastor came to ask me what was up and I showed him my finger. He was like, "Wow, so the man is serious? That's good...." I showed off my ring to my ushering team, and they were so excited too, as another member was getting married and we were planning a bridal shower for her that afternoon. After the service, I attended the shower and was imagining what mine would be like.... Later that afternoon, I called my mum and told her the news. She was pleased and she said it was time to tell my dad that I was in a serious relationship. I told her I would tell him when he came to England for my graduation in three months' time and she said that was fine.
For the next week or so I was floating on clouds. I remember getting to work on the Monday after, and my manager asked me if I'd had a good weekend. I smiled and showed him my ring. He jumped and shouted to everyone in my department, "Look everyone, Favoured Girl* got engaged over the weekend!" and they all crowded round my desk to congratulate me, offer to make my tea, ask questions about how it happened and such like. It was fun. I also told my sisters and two of my very good friends that I was engaged. At the time none of my other mates were engaged or married, so I was the first one to share such news. They were excited and happy for me, and I remember telling them to hurry up and join me soon.
But gist spreads fast o. Before I knew it, they told someone who told someone who told someone etc. I started getting different calls and emails from friends, well-wishers, haters and other random people. The funny thing was three of my male friends came out of the shadows saying they had crushes on me and were hoping something would still happen between us. I told them that it was too late. (More on this later). Some people were calling me to say congrats. Some people were calling just to hear gist and do "gbeborun". Some people called to say they heard from somebody else and they were offended that I didn't tell them myself. Some people called to tell me they heard I was married and I hadn't invited them to my wedding. Some people called my best friend to confirm fom him, then he called me to tell me that speculation was rife among some friends who didn't know me very well. People were spreading all kinds of rumours that I had gotten pregnant and was rushing into marriage to hide my shame. I heard another rumour that my parents could not afford to keep me in England anymore, so they were marrying me off to some rich old man who wanted a young wife as soon as possible. I was 20 when I got engaged, and I know that's young, but people can be so hateful. Why would such a thing enter somebody's mind if not for envy? At least find out the truth first, before spreading spiteful rumours.
Well I wasn't going to let rumours dampen my joy, so I chose to ignore them. I really enjoyed being engaged. It was fun telling and re-telling the story whenever people asked. It was great fun planning and anticipating the next steps that we were going to take. I still called Mr my boyfriend though cos I never really got used to introducing him as my 'fiance'.
As soon as we left the party I called Mr. I teased him endlessly and asked him how he set the whole show up. He was blushing as he told me how he had planned it with his brothers and my family, how the party was a cover-up, how he had chosen the ring with my cousin, and persuaded my uncle to bring me. Awwwww..
The next day was a Sunday. As an usher, I smile when I welcome people, but it seemed everyone noticed that I was smiling even more that morning. My pastor came to ask me what was up and I showed him my finger. He was like, "Wow, so the man is serious? That's good...." I showed off my ring to my ushering team, and they were so excited too, as another member was getting married and we were planning a bridal shower for her that afternoon. After the service, I attended the shower and was imagining what mine would be like.... Later that afternoon, I called my mum and told her the news. She was pleased and she said it was time to tell my dad that I was in a serious relationship. I told her I would tell him when he came to England for my graduation in three months' time and she said that was fine.
For the next week or so I was floating on clouds. I remember getting to work on the Monday after, and my manager asked me if I'd had a good weekend. I smiled and showed him my ring. He jumped and shouted to everyone in my department, "Look everyone, Favoured Girl* got engaged over the weekend!" and they all crowded round my desk to congratulate me, offer to make my tea, ask questions about how it happened and such like. It was fun. I also told my sisters and two of my very good friends that I was engaged. At the time none of my other mates were engaged or married, so I was the first one to share such news. They were excited and happy for me, and I remember telling them to hurry up and join me soon.
But gist spreads fast o. Before I knew it, they told someone who told someone who told someone etc. I started getting different calls and emails from friends, well-wishers, haters and other random people. The funny thing was three of my male friends came out of the shadows saying they had crushes on me and were hoping something would still happen between us. I told them that it was too late. (More on this later). Some people were calling me to say congrats. Some people were calling just to hear gist and do "gbeborun". Some people called to say they heard from somebody else and they were offended that I didn't tell them myself. Some people called to tell me they heard I was married and I hadn't invited them to my wedding. Some people called my best friend to confirm fom him, then he called me to tell me that speculation was rife among some friends who didn't know me very well. People were spreading all kinds of rumours that I had gotten pregnant and was rushing into marriage to hide my shame. I heard another rumour that my parents could not afford to keep me in England anymore, so they were marrying me off to some rich old man who wanted a young wife as soon as possible. I was 20 when I got engaged, and I know that's young, but people can be so hateful. Why would such a thing enter somebody's mind if not for envy? At least find out the truth first, before spreading spiteful rumours.
Well I wasn't going to let rumours dampen my joy, so I chose to ignore them. I really enjoyed being engaged. It was fun telling and re-telling the story whenever people asked. It was great fun planning and anticipating the next steps that we were going to take. I still called Mr my boyfriend though cos I never really got used to introducing him as my 'fiance'.
Wednesday, February 14
One Year and a Surprise
It's Valentine's Day today! I thought it would be perfect to write a happy, oh-so-romantic post today. So here goes.
Before we knew it, time flew by and Mr and I had been going out for a year. I remember looking back at the year that had gone by, how much I had grown, how many things I had learnt and being so happy that I was a better person that I had been the previous years. We talked on the phone the day before. I suggested we should celebrate our anniversary by going back to the cinema where he had asked me out a year ago, and actually watching a movie this time. It sounded like fun. After the movie we hung out in the car (like in the beginning), swapped anniversary presents, and talked about the past year. I teased him about when he was asking me out then, hoping and praying that I would say yes. He teased me back saying I was already "jelling" for him so I couldn't resist. Had a right laugh about it all. I couldn't stay there till 3.00am though. I had to wake up early the next morning cos I was ushering at a wedding.
Besides we were meeting up in the evening anyways. The event was a party at his older brother's house. He had told me a week before that his brother was having a small get-together and I was invited. Initially I told him I wasn't sure I was going to make it because I had to attend and help at the wedding and my family was going to be there. He came back to me and said that my family had been invited to the party too and they had agreed to come, so we could all come to his brother's place after the wedding. That was cool by me, so I agreed to attend.
The next day I had a busy but nice time at the wedding. I like hearing the couple making vows and dancing and the whole point of getting married. Throughout the day lots of people were teasing me saying, "you are next!" and I was thinking "you people need to slow down". At the reception, I remember watching the happy couple having their first dance and thinking, love is sweet o! Little did I know.
Eventually I rounded up my family and we left the wedding to go to my future in-laws house. When we got there, I met Mr there already, his brothers and their wives were there getting things ready. I offered to help in the kitchen but they said I shouldn't worry, I should just go and chill with the kids in the living room. While I was playing with the kids, Mr's second brother got up to give a speech. I think it went like this. "Thank you all for coming, and many thanks to the family for bringing Favoured Girl* here. Let me not take too much of your time. I'll just step aside and allow the person that called us here to do what he wants to do". I looked up in confusion, wondering what was going on. Then I saw Mr who was sitting beside me, fiddling in his pocket. He brought out a ring, knelt down in front of me and said "Babe, you have been the best girlfriend I've ever had. The past one year has been wonderful (I was in a complete shock, it wasn't really sinking in, I managed to hear a few words) ...... official..... like to ask you .... ..... Will you marry me?" He must have waited for ages before I recovered and finally said "Yes!" and then he hugged me and put the ring on my finger. Then everyone came round to hug us and congratulate us. The rest of the party passed like a blur cos I was floating on some clouds all the way home.
Before we knew it, time flew by and Mr and I had been going out for a year. I remember looking back at the year that had gone by, how much I had grown, how many things I had learnt and being so happy that I was a better person that I had been the previous years. We talked on the phone the day before. I suggested we should celebrate our anniversary by going back to the cinema where he had asked me out a year ago, and actually watching a movie this time. It sounded like fun. After the movie we hung out in the car (like in the beginning), swapped anniversary presents, and talked about the past year. I teased him about when he was asking me out then, hoping and praying that I would say yes. He teased me back saying I was already "jelling" for him so I couldn't resist. Had a right laugh about it all. I couldn't stay there till 3.00am though. I had to wake up early the next morning cos I was ushering at a wedding.
Besides we were meeting up in the evening anyways. The event was a party at his older brother's house. He had told me a week before that his brother was having a small get-together and I was invited. Initially I told him I wasn't sure I was going to make it because I had to attend and help at the wedding and my family was going to be there. He came back to me and said that my family had been invited to the party too and they had agreed to come, so we could all come to his brother's place after the wedding. That was cool by me, so I agreed to attend.
The next day I had a busy but nice time at the wedding. I like hearing the couple making vows and dancing and the whole point of getting married. Throughout the day lots of people were teasing me saying, "you are next!" and I was thinking "you people need to slow down". At the reception, I remember watching the happy couple having their first dance and thinking, love is sweet o! Little did I know.
Eventually I rounded up my family and we left the wedding to go to my future in-laws house. When we got there, I met Mr there already, his brothers and their wives were there getting things ready. I offered to help in the kitchen but they said I shouldn't worry, I should just go and chill with the kids in the living room. While I was playing with the kids, Mr's second brother got up to give a speech. I think it went like this. "Thank you all for coming, and many thanks to the family for bringing Favoured Girl* here. Let me not take too much of your time. I'll just step aside and allow the person that called us here to do what he wants to do". I looked up in confusion, wondering what was going on. Then I saw Mr who was sitting beside me, fiddling in his pocket. He brought out a ring, knelt down in front of me and said "Babe, you have been the best girlfriend I've ever had. The past one year has been wonderful (I was in a complete shock, it wasn't really sinking in, I managed to hear a few words) ...... official..... like to ask you .... ..... Will you marry me?" He must have waited for ages before I recovered and finally said "Yes!" and then he hugged me and put the ring on my finger. Then everyone came round to hug us and congratulate us. The rest of the party passed like a blur cos I was floating on some clouds all the way home.
Friday, January 26
Talking about Trust
Picture this scenario:
I'm chatting with three of my girlfriends. We are in the library in uni, but we got bored with studying, and started gisting instead. We are talking about girl stuff: clothes, make-up, shoes and.... relationships. Then one of my friends turns to me and the conversation goes like this:
Friend 1: Favoured Girl*, what kind of contraception do you use?
Me: I don't use any
Friend 2: Why not? You have to, or you would get pregnant!
Me: Don't worry I'm not going to get pregnant
Friend 1: You can't be so sure
Me: I'm sure
Friend 2: How?
Me: I'm not having sex
Friend 1: Really? But you have a boyfriend!!
Me: Yes, but we are not sleeping together yet
Friend 1: For real? How come? Doesn't he bug you?
Me: We agreed not to sleep together. And no he doesn't bug me for sex
Friend 2: How long have you been together?
Me: About 8 months
Friend 1: So you've been with him for 8 months, you haven't slept with him and he is not bugging you?
Me: That is correct
Friend 1: Aaaah, he must be getting it from elsewhere
Me: No I don't think so
Friends: What? How do you know he's not getting sex from other girls outside?
Me: Because I trust him
Friends: You trust him?!
Me: Yes, is that so strange?
Friends: Of course! You should never trust any guy
Me: I see... so you don't trust your boyfriend?
Friend 1: Not completely
Me: Aaaah
Which leads me to this touchy subject. How much should I trust someone I'm in a relationship with? Should I trust him completely? How do I know he will never hurt me? Well relationships are complicated sometimes. But I think we should believe the best of everybody that comes across our way, until they prove that they can't be trusted. It's easier said than done. We will meet people that will disappoint us, and we may feel like we need to protect ourselves from being hurt again. I think, forgiveness releases us from pain and allows us to trust again.
For me, I have been disappointed by my friends in the past. I've felt like I trusted some friends and they betrayed my trust. And I could not believe that my last boyfriend just left me without any explanations, talk about a betrayal! Still, I had to learn to trust again. Meeting a new guy, I was still a bit wary though. I thought to myslef, I don't know this guy from anywhere, what guarantee do I have that he will not let me down? But my confidence grew when I realised that I could trust God completely. See, the trust that I have is not that Mr and I are so strong that we cannot fall into temptation. It is not because I think we are above sin. It is however based on the fact that we both know that God brought us together. If God was to choose a husband for me, then I can be rest assured that God will never give me a man that will hurt me. I can trust God that if I play my part in being the wife that He wants me to be, then He will play His part in upholding my relationship. If Mr can trust God that I am the woman God gave him, then he can be safe in the knowledge that God will uphold me, and help me when I am prone to failing. He is the source of our strength. What a relief.
No relationship can be complete without trust on both sides, from both parties. No matter how much you love each other, it just won't work. When there is no trust, the devil will enjoy planting lots of doubts in your mind. You might start recollecting little things that seem to add up to a reason for doubting the other person. You always believe that he could be hiding things from you. You'll find it hard to forgive them because you won't trust them when they say "I'm sorry".You would drive yourself crazy with worries and doubts.
Trust is so essential. A guy needs to fully trust a lady before he proposes to her. A lady needs to trust that the guy who is asking her out has good motives and will not turn around and hurt her. You have to trust your boyfriend when he says he couldn't call you at 6 o'clock last night because he had to work late. You have to trust that he will not cheat on you behind your back. And most importantly, when there is a misunderstanding and you are upset, you have to trust that the other party didn't mean to hurt you, it just happened because of a breakdown in communication somewhere (That last one, I still find hard to deal with). It's not easy, but there is no other way to live at peace in a relationship. God help us.
I'm chatting with three of my girlfriends. We are in the library in uni, but we got bored with studying, and started gisting instead. We are talking about girl stuff: clothes, make-up, shoes and.... relationships. Then one of my friends turns to me and the conversation goes like this:
Friend 1: Favoured Girl*, what kind of contraception do you use?
Me: I don't use any
Friend 2: Why not? You have to, or you would get pregnant!
Me: Don't worry I'm not going to get pregnant
Friend 1: You can't be so sure
Me: I'm sure
Friend 2: How?
Me: I'm not having sex
Friend 1: Really? But you have a boyfriend!!
Me: Yes, but we are not sleeping together yet
Friend 1: For real? How come? Doesn't he bug you?
Me: We agreed not to sleep together. And no he doesn't bug me for sex
Friend 2: How long have you been together?
Me: About 8 months
Friend 1: So you've been with him for 8 months, you haven't slept with him and he is not bugging you?
Me: That is correct
Friend 1: Aaaah, he must be getting it from elsewhere
Me: No I don't think so
Friends: What? How do you know he's not getting sex from other girls outside?
Me: Because I trust him
Friends: You trust him?!
Me: Yes, is that so strange?
Friends: Of course! You should never trust any guy
Me: I see... so you don't trust your boyfriend?
Friend 1: Not completely
Me: Aaaah
Which leads me to this touchy subject. How much should I trust someone I'm in a relationship with? Should I trust him completely? How do I know he will never hurt me? Well relationships are complicated sometimes. But I think we should believe the best of everybody that comes across our way, until they prove that they can't be trusted. It's easier said than done. We will meet people that will disappoint us, and we may feel like we need to protect ourselves from being hurt again. I think, forgiveness releases us from pain and allows us to trust again.
For me, I have been disappointed by my friends in the past. I've felt like I trusted some friends and they betrayed my trust. And I could not believe that my last boyfriend just left me without any explanations, talk about a betrayal! Still, I had to learn to trust again. Meeting a new guy, I was still a bit wary though. I thought to myslef, I don't know this guy from anywhere, what guarantee do I have that he will not let me down? But my confidence grew when I realised that I could trust God completely. See, the trust that I have is not that Mr and I are so strong that we cannot fall into temptation. It is not because I think we are above sin. It is however based on the fact that we both know that God brought us together. If God was to choose a husband for me, then I can be rest assured that God will never give me a man that will hurt me. I can trust God that if I play my part in being the wife that He wants me to be, then He will play His part in upholding my relationship. If Mr can trust God that I am the woman God gave him, then he can be safe in the knowledge that God will uphold me, and help me when I am prone to failing. He is the source of our strength. What a relief.
No relationship can be complete without trust on both sides, from both parties. No matter how much you love each other, it just won't work. When there is no trust, the devil will enjoy planting lots of doubts in your mind. You might start recollecting little things that seem to add up to a reason for doubting the other person. You always believe that he could be hiding things from you. You'll find it hard to forgive them because you won't trust them when they say "I'm sorry".You would drive yourself crazy with worries and doubts.
Trust is so essential. A guy needs to fully trust a lady before he proposes to her. A lady needs to trust that the guy who is asking her out has good motives and will not turn around and hurt her. You have to trust your boyfriend when he says he couldn't call you at 6 o'clock last night because he had to work late. You have to trust that he will not cheat on you behind your back. And most importantly, when there is a misunderstanding and you are upset, you have to trust that the other party didn't mean to hurt you, it just happened because of a breakdown in communication somewhere (That last one, I still find hard to deal with). It's not easy, but there is no other way to live at peace in a relationship. God help us.
Sunday, January 21
Some Firsts
At the moment, I'm just looking back to a lot of our "firsts". You know, like our first date, our first kiss, the first time I went to his house, the first time we both said "I love you", our first christmas together, the first time I cooked for him, and the first time he cooked for me, etc. I might talk about them in detail later, but for now, two things stick out in my mind. One is the first time we talked about setting a date for our wedding. The whole thing was a bit of a joke. It went something like this:
We had been going out for three months. One evening, I was at home reading a magazine. The TV was on, but I wasn't really paying attention to it. They were interviewing some married couples. I started paying attention when I heard some people talking about their life after marriage. One lady mentioned that she chose to get married on her husband's birthday so that he would always remember their wedding anniversary. I thought that was funny. Mr called me some time later. As we were gisting, I mentioned what I had heard on the programme. He thought it was funny too. Then he asked if it would apply to us. Perhaps we could get married on one of our birthdays? So, for a bit of fun, we checked my birthday to see if it fell on a Saturday in any of the coming years. Nope, it didn't fall on a saturday at a reasonable time. Then we checked his. His 25th birthday fell on a Saturday in 2005, three years time! We jokingly said that would be our wedding day. We prayed about it. And forgot about it for a long time. Did it happen? Time will tell.
The second thing was the first time a pastor in my church asked me about a boyfriend. It was June 2003, and I had just finished my final year exams at uni. Pastor saw me after church and was congratulating me. This time, Mr and I had been going out for nine months. The conversation went something like this:
Pastor: Congrats Favoured Girl*, I heard you've finished your degree at uni
Me: Yes sir, thank you sir
Pastor: So what's next?
Me: I'm job-hunting now sir
Pastor: That's good. How's it going?
Me: Very well sir. I've got some interviews lined up.
Pastor: Don't worry, you'll get a good job soon.
Me: Amen. Thank you sir.
Pastor: (His voice drops to a whisper) Brother nko?
Me: He's fine sir.
Pastor: (excited) Eh!! So there is a brother in the picture! Come and tell me all about him.
Me: Erm...
Pastor: What church does he attend?
Me: He goes to this church, but a different branch.
Pastor: Really? What's his name? I might know him
Me: His name is ........
Pastor: (really excited) So I even know him! His brother is one of the pastors of another branch
Me: Yes I know that sir.
Pastor: How did you meet him?
Me: Through a friend in uni, then in church.... etc
Pastor: How serious is this relationship?
Me: We are quite serious sir.
Pastor: Tell him to call me this evening! I'm going to grill him seriously.
Me: Ah!
Pastor: I have to. He cannot just come and take you away just like that
Me: (laughing) Okay sir. I'll tell him to call you.
That was really funny. I thought it was nice of him to ask though. Later that afternoon, I relayed the conversation to Mr and we pondered on how the older people in our church always wanted to know what was going on in our lives. I guess they just wanted to look after the next generation. A lot of things I know now, I learnt from my older mentors. I'm really grateful for them.
We had been going out for three months. One evening, I was at home reading a magazine. The TV was on, but I wasn't really paying attention to it. They were interviewing some married couples. I started paying attention when I heard some people talking about their life after marriage. One lady mentioned that she chose to get married on her husband's birthday so that he would always remember their wedding anniversary. I thought that was funny. Mr called me some time later. As we were gisting, I mentioned what I had heard on the programme. He thought it was funny too. Then he asked if it would apply to us. Perhaps we could get married on one of our birthdays? So, for a bit of fun, we checked my birthday to see if it fell on a Saturday in any of the coming years. Nope, it didn't fall on a saturday at a reasonable time. Then we checked his. His 25th birthday fell on a Saturday in 2005, three years time! We jokingly said that would be our wedding day. We prayed about it. And forgot about it for a long time. Did it happen? Time will tell.
The second thing was the first time a pastor in my church asked me about a boyfriend. It was June 2003, and I had just finished my final year exams at uni. Pastor saw me after church and was congratulating me. This time, Mr and I had been going out for nine months. The conversation went something like this:
Pastor: Congrats Favoured Girl*, I heard you've finished your degree at uni
Me: Yes sir, thank you sir
Pastor: So what's next?
Me: I'm job-hunting now sir
Pastor: That's good. How's it going?
Me: Very well sir. I've got some interviews lined up.
Pastor: Don't worry, you'll get a good job soon.
Me: Amen. Thank you sir.
Pastor: (His voice drops to a whisper) Brother nko?
Me: He's fine sir.
Pastor: (excited) Eh!! So there is a brother in the picture! Come and tell me all about him.
Me: Erm...
Pastor: What church does he attend?
Me: He goes to this church, but a different branch.
Pastor: Really? What's his name? I might know him
Me: His name is ........
Pastor: (really excited) So I even know him! His brother is one of the pastors of another branch
Me: Yes I know that sir.
Pastor: How did you meet him?
Me: Through a friend in uni, then in church.... etc
Pastor: How serious is this relationship?
Me: We are quite serious sir.
Pastor: Tell him to call me this evening! I'm going to grill him seriously.
Me: Ah!
Pastor: I have to. He cannot just come and take you away just like that
Me: (laughing) Okay sir. I'll tell him to call you.
That was really funny. I thought it was nice of him to ask though. Later that afternoon, I relayed the conversation to Mr and we pondered on how the older people in our church always wanted to know what was going on in our lives. I guess they just wanted to look after the next generation. A lot of things I know now, I learnt from my older mentors. I'm really grateful for them.
Monday, January 15
Positive Changes (2)
To write this post, I had to reach into a deeper personal level. But I felt I should share it because it is part of who I am today, and forms a part of my journey.
When I was a teenager I had self-esteem problems. I had no self-confidence and a distorted self-image. I always felt that I was 'not good enough' and will never be, so I never bothered to try. I used to compare myself with my other mates and friends, and will always measure myself far below them. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough , friendly enough, or "cool" enough to fit in. So I usually felt like an outsider, even though I had very good friends who liked me just as I was. And I gave so much concern to what people thought about me. Usually I wouldn't believe the positive things people said about me, but I would focus on negative comments I got. This dragged in my mind all the 'growing-up' years and I thought there was no way out. Sometimes I would psyche myself up, but deep down I didn't even believe myself. Even when I had boyfriends nothing changed. Guys told me I was beautiful, sweet, special etc, but it didn't work. I actually used to wonder what they saw in me or why they liked me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't like myself no matter who liked me.
This cloud hung over my outlook in life though secondary school and college until I got to uni. I met new people and started coming out of my shell a bit more. Then I realised it just wasn't normal or natural to feel this way about myself. Other people around me had good self-esteem and confidence. I wanted to feel confident and comfortable with myself too. So I started looking for a way out. I tried changing my outward appearance by shopping endlessly for new clothes, shoes, make up, jewellery etc. But the external appearance still did nothing for my internal turmoil. I started hanging out with the 'cooler' people but I gave up because I still didn't find my identity in associations. I started going out with a guy that seemed to like me, but deep down I was still uneasy. When he disappeared, part of me wondered if he just got bored with me. So, no hope of gaining my peace of mind from there.
When I started to take my christian life seriously, I sometimes wondered if I would learn to live with my current state or if God could help me out. One day I popped into my church bookshop with nothing particularly in mind to buy. Then I saw this book: "Prayers That Avail Much for Students " and bought it on a whim. When I opened it, I found some very useful prayers in it, including one for self-esteem! I was so happy to realise that it wasn't just my struggle alone, and I could talk to God about it. I started praying those prayers in the book earnestly everyday. And I also asked God to send people my way that would encourage me, lift me up and help me on my journey.
God answered my prayers. The words in that book built my spirit up gradually. Slowly but surely, I started to realise that all the negative things I had believed about myself for so long were nothing but lies from the pit of hell! I started questioning the voices in my head. Whose opinion were those negative thoughts anyway? Not my heavenly Father's. I began to renew my mind with what God's word tells me about myself, my position in Christ, how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and how nothing can separate me from His love. It worked! My whole outlook changed. It was like I became a new person completely. I felt like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders, and I was now truly free to enjoy my life. Funny enough, I had heard these things before, but I was only just beginning to realise the truth in them, and apply them into my own life. My confidence and self-esteem doesn't come from anywhere else, but from knowing who I am and whose I am.
It was while I was on this journey that I met Mr. At first I wondered how such a wonderful person could like me. I even asked him once or twice, "why do you like me?". He said he saw so much potential within me that I was hiding, and he wanted to bring it out. And ever since, he has been encouraging me, and trying to bring the best out of me. I mentioned in a previous post that he makes me feel so good about myself. As I got to know him more, his own confidence soon started rubbing off on me. And the more I discovered myself and my potential, the more he encouraged me and loved me. Three months into our relationship, I had changed completely. I was such a different person that my friends and family noticed it. That's God's work for you.
When I was a teenager I had self-esteem problems. I had no self-confidence and a distorted self-image. I always felt that I was 'not good enough' and will never be, so I never bothered to try. I used to compare myself with my other mates and friends, and will always measure myself far below them. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough , friendly enough, or "cool" enough to fit in. So I usually felt like an outsider, even though I had very good friends who liked me just as I was. And I gave so much concern to what people thought about me. Usually I wouldn't believe the positive things people said about me, but I would focus on negative comments I got. This dragged in my mind all the 'growing-up' years and I thought there was no way out. Sometimes I would psyche myself up, but deep down I didn't even believe myself. Even when I had boyfriends nothing changed. Guys told me I was beautiful, sweet, special etc, but it didn't work. I actually used to wonder what they saw in me or why they liked me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't like myself no matter who liked me.
This cloud hung over my outlook in life though secondary school and college until I got to uni. I met new people and started coming out of my shell a bit more. Then I realised it just wasn't normal or natural to feel this way about myself. Other people around me had good self-esteem and confidence. I wanted to feel confident and comfortable with myself too. So I started looking for a way out. I tried changing my outward appearance by shopping endlessly for new clothes, shoes, make up, jewellery etc. But the external appearance still did nothing for my internal turmoil. I started hanging out with the 'cooler' people but I gave up because I still didn't find my identity in associations. I started going out with a guy that seemed to like me, but deep down I was still uneasy. When he disappeared, part of me wondered if he just got bored with me. So, no hope of gaining my peace of mind from there.
When I started to take my christian life seriously, I sometimes wondered if I would learn to live with my current state or if God could help me out. One day I popped into my church bookshop with nothing particularly in mind to buy. Then I saw this book: "Prayers That Avail Much for Students " and bought it on a whim. When I opened it, I found some very useful prayers in it, including one for self-esteem! I was so happy to realise that it wasn't just my struggle alone, and I could talk to God about it. I started praying those prayers in the book earnestly everyday. And I also asked God to send people my way that would encourage me, lift me up and help me on my journey.
God answered my prayers. The words in that book built my spirit up gradually. Slowly but surely, I started to realise that all the negative things I had believed about myself for so long were nothing but lies from the pit of hell! I started questioning the voices in my head. Whose opinion were those negative thoughts anyway? Not my heavenly Father's. I began to renew my mind with what God's word tells me about myself, my position in Christ, how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and how nothing can separate me from His love. It worked! My whole outlook changed. It was like I became a new person completely. I felt like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders, and I was now truly free to enjoy my life. Funny enough, I had heard these things before, but I was only just beginning to realise the truth in them, and apply them into my own life. My confidence and self-esteem doesn't come from anywhere else, but from knowing who I am and whose I am.
It was while I was on this journey that I met Mr. At first I wondered how such a wonderful person could like me. I even asked him once or twice, "why do you like me?". He said he saw so much potential within me that I was hiding, and he wanted to bring it out. And ever since, he has been encouraging me, and trying to bring the best out of me. I mentioned in a previous post that he makes me feel so good about myself. As I got to know him more, his own confidence soon started rubbing off on me. And the more I discovered myself and my potential, the more he encouraged me and loved me. Three months into our relationship, I had changed completely. I was such a different person that my friends and family noticed it. That's God's work for you.
Saturday, January 6
Positive Changes (1)
I mentioned in the "Getting what I want" post, about how Mr tries to bring out the best in me. I have to admit, this is not an easy process! Why? Because it sometimes involves him pointing out my faults. Funny enough it is always easier to see the faults in other people than in ourselves. When we started going out, I thought everything was fine and I was faultless. I would never see how I was wrong whenever we had an argument. But I now know that I have my faults as well. And it is the person closest to me that should point these faults out to me, and challenge me to work on them. This process is never ending though. The first time Mr pointed out one of my faults was a bit of a shock.
One day, during a conversation with Mr, he suddenly stopped and said I had just been trying to manipulate him. I was like "What? when? how?!" and demanded an immediate explanation. He said that I sometimes try to twist his arm to get what I want. By the time he finished pointing out what I had said and done on several occassions, it was clear to me that indeed I was twisting his arm. I was so surprised. I had never thought that I was capable of manipulating somebody. So I had been doing it unconsciously! I asked him how he knew. Apparently it's something that we ladies do a lot. He explained to me that he was used to getting those emotional blackmail stuff from his aunts and friends so he had learnt to recognise and ignore it. And he told me that if I wanted something, I should just come out and say it directly, instead of twisting it and then later blaming him for not getting the hint.
(((He mentioned one occassion, when I wanted to get my hair done but I was broke. Instead of asking him directly to help me out, I had been giving him some attitude throughout that day. When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine". Then I started sulking. Then I became angry. He had suspected that I wanted something from him, but since I was not being straightforward he wasn't going fall for my tricks. He would wait for me to come out and say it. Well, eventually I did and he helped me out))).
That was a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I did have some faults in me then. That hurt my pride a bit though. It can be really hard to take criticism from someone, even if they mean well or they are only trying to help.
I also realised that I didn't want a man that I could manipulate after all. I won't respect my man if I could control him under my thumb. I want a real man, someone who has a mind of his own. True, we may not always agree, but that means I usually get to see things from another perspective. So I told him to always point it out to me if I was beginning to manipulate him again. And since then I have been able to recognise it and stop myself.
One day, during a conversation with Mr, he suddenly stopped and said I had just been trying to manipulate him. I was like "What? when? how?!" and demanded an immediate explanation. He said that I sometimes try to twist his arm to get what I want. By the time he finished pointing out what I had said and done on several occassions, it was clear to me that indeed I was twisting his arm. I was so surprised. I had never thought that I was capable of manipulating somebody. So I had been doing it unconsciously! I asked him how he knew. Apparently it's something that we ladies do a lot. He explained to me that he was used to getting those emotional blackmail stuff from his aunts and friends so he had learnt to recognise and ignore it. And he told me that if I wanted something, I should just come out and say it directly, instead of twisting it and then later blaming him for not getting the hint.
(((He mentioned one occassion, when I wanted to get my hair done but I was broke. Instead of asking him directly to help me out, I had been giving him some attitude throughout that day. When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing is wrong, I'm fine". Then I started sulking. Then I became angry. He had suspected that I wanted something from him, but since I was not being straightforward he wasn't going fall for my tricks. He would wait for me to come out and say it. Well, eventually I did and he helped me out))).
That was a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I did have some faults in me then. That hurt my pride a bit though. It can be really hard to take criticism from someone, even if they mean well or they are only trying to help.
I also realised that I didn't want a man that I could manipulate after all. I won't respect my man if I could control him under my thumb. I want a real man, someone who has a mind of his own. True, we may not always agree, but that means I usually get to see things from another perspective. So I told him to always point it out to me if I was beginning to manipulate him again. And since then I have been able to recognise it and stop myself.
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